Life Makeover Program in Tel Aviv Completed

In the end of 2002, we finished this year-long program and it was a resounding success for those who participated fully, and a lesser success for those who participated at a lesser level. The adage that you get out of it what you put into it lived up to its truth in this program. Yet, from the continuing reports from the participants, no matter what they put into it, they continue to see the value increase as they slowly come to understand what happened during this intensive year-long program.

Much thanks to everyone who helped to make the Life Makeover program work here in Tel Aviv. ESRA (English Speaking Residents Association) helped tremendously with room arrangements and publicity. Ruth Alfi, my partner in crime on this project, helped keep the energy going and kept me on track. And thanks to everyone who participated, no matter at what level or how much. Keep on living your best life! And thank you for the opportunity to make a difference in the world around me! It has been wonderful fun!

Starting Your Own Life Makeovers Group

While we are done with the project in Tel Aviv, you can continue on with other groups around the world and online. Because our group was so successful, I continue to receive requests to help start new groups. For a listing of Life Makeover and related groups in the world, visit at www.cherylrichardson.com. Here are a list of other helpful sites:

• Extreme Makeover – Etiquetteandimage.com
• Cheryl Richardson’s Life Makeovers Web Page
• Oprah – features a lot of information on Life Makeovers and changing your life

The Story of the Life Makeover Group in Tel Aviv, Israel

Intrigued with the Life Makeover series on the Oprah show, and the book, Life Makeovers by Cheryl Richardson, I and my friend, Ruth Alfi, began a Life Makeover group in Tel Aviv when we couldn’t find one here, especially an English speaking group. Begun in October 2001, we had more than 40 people participating, with the group swelling to sixty or more from time to time. The group was sponsored by ESRA (English Speaking Residents Association) and met as a large group once a month. The mission of the group was to help each other improve or change the quality of our lives. In order to accomodate the size of the group, we broke up into small geographical groups (3-5 people) which committed to get in contact with each other at least once a week.

The following were the commitments participants make when they join the group:

• Meet once a month as a whole group
• do an assignment from the book once a week
• Be a part of a small group
• Support and encourage yourself and the others through this process by contacting members in the small group at least once a week (meet in person, phone, email, fax, whatever)

Staying in Touch During the Month – The Essays

It’s important to stay in touch with the group during the month between meetings. To accomplish this, an emailed “newsletter” was sent out at least twice a month. The following are essays from our newsletter to help the group keep up with the homework.:

• Learning Some Rules of Life (Be On Time)
• Learning from Others (Tips and Tricks to Stay on Track)
• What’s Draining You?
• Journal Writing
• Learning and Living Against the Odds
• Pursuing Your Passion
• Pursing Your Passion II: Getting Out of Your Own Way
• Active Listening
• Touching Clues
• Center of the World?
• The Symptoms of Touch with Hiddai Levi
• Social Support and Sharing
• Support and Sharing Form
• The Power of Choice from May 2002 meeting

This essay is based on Cheryl Richardson’s book, Life Makeovers, and various other resources, specifically The Center for Rural Studies at the University of Michigan. I encourage you to check out their Communications web pages for more helpful information on improving the quality of your life.

We all need support. We all need to be recognized for ourselves, what we do, how we do it, why we do it, and especially who we are and who we become as a result of all we do in our lives. This "support" is often referred to in modern jargon as a "support network". It is more than that. It is the foundation upon which you live and build your life. It is the mattress you rest upon. It is the face you turn to, the voice you trust, the shoulder you lean on, and the foot that kicks you in the butt. Support is not a stagnant, fixed thing. It is an ever growing, changing, evolving aspect of your life, fluctuating as you move through your life.

Using our Social Connections Form, we discussed support and sharing, and what it looks like in your life. Some of the definitions of support included:
listening

• being there
• positive reinforcement
• acceptance
• shoulder to lean on
• trust
• mentor
• good feedback
• fun to be with
• makes you laugh
• honesty
• open mind

We then used the form from to create our social relationship chart. Participants listed, in connecting circles, the people they depend upon for support. The circles closest to the middle of the chart, "ME", are the people most depended upon for support. They are the ones you know you can trust with your life. They will be there when you need them, no matter what. The connecting circles further out from the center are the people who you go to for specific problems or issues, the people you know will be there but maybe they live far away or you don’t see them very often. These are the distant relationships, but still people you can count on.

After completing their charts, I asked how many people they had on their list. A lot or a few? What did this mean to them? Did they realize a lot more people gave them support than they thought? Or a lot less? What were the revelations and surprises? Then I asked how many of the names on the list were male? Female? Many found more females on their list, but some women found more men. Was anyone in the room on their chart? How many family members? Non-family members?

Our support comes from a variety of sources. Many realized they listed people they hadn’t seen in years, who lived far away, yet they knew that they could count on them at a moment’s notice. Geography wasn’t an issue. One woman said that her friend would fly into Israel immediately if she just asked. Another person realized that she listed the clerk she sees frequently at the bank. "She always greets me with a smile, says my name, and asks me how I am. She is so nice to me and I just now realized how much I’ve come to depend upon her to be there, smiling." Others were surprised to see that although they thought they had many people in their life, but when it came time to write down the names, they couldn’t think of many. Others with "few friends" found they filled up their list quickly.

When asked if the quantity was important, most people disagreed. Quality won out over quantity. But some people admitted that they felt safer being surrounded with more or less people in their life, dependent upon their upbringing and social cultural.

PART II – Social Interactions
and Connections Rewards and Demands

Using Part II of the Social Connections Form, we examined the rewards and demands upon our support system. I asked people to list the top three to six people on their relationship chart, people they can really count on in their life. Then I asked them to pick one or two of these people and to evaluate the rewards and demands upon these relationships.

Demands

What demands are put upon the relationship? Break it down into two categories: Their demands and your demands. What are their demands upon you? Do they require your time, your enthusiasm? Do they take up a lot of your time or a little? Do they ask you to do things you wish you could say no to? Do they challenge you? Do they make you be honest with them and yourself? What about them gets in the way of your relationship? What do they really ask you to do in the relationship?

What are the demands you place on them? Do you ask them to do things they wish they could refuse? What pressures do you place on the relationship with time, energy, and more? Do you challenge them? Do you demand they improve themselves, move forward, and be honest with you? What about you gets in the way of your relationship? What do you ask of this relationship?

What other demands are put upon your relationship? These demands often come from outside of the relationship. They might come from family members who demand time away from your other relationships, your job, your hobbies, and social life. It could be pressure of illness or health, or even the pressures involved with time, such as with those here in the country a short time. Examine and list all the demands that come from these different sources and put pressure on the relationship.

I examined my relationship with my co-leader, Ruth. One demand she puts upon me is to be "real". She really demands that I am real to the situation all the time. I respect that about her. A demand I put upon her is that she be honest. Both to me and herself. This is different but related to being "real". We all lie to ourselves all the time, little lies that this is okay, or not okay, or that it will change…little lies that seem to keep us going. I challenge her to get past the little lies to the truth, to herself and me. For example, she told me about wanting to buy technologically advanced piece of equipment for her clinic. She explained that it was new, exciting, everyone would want to come try it, how she could make back the money for this within 6 months, it would be so popular, and on and on. After she explained it, I asked her for the truth. The truth is that it would take a lot of time to learn how to use it. She has a some competition in the country. It is very expensive, both in cost and for the client, and times are tough and expected to get worse in Israel. People won’t want to spend a lot of money. Her enthusiasm got in they way of the truth, and the demand I put on her was to look at the truth of the situation.

Rewards

What are the rewards that come from your support relationship? What are the rewards that come from them to you? Do you laugh, have a good time, learn a lot, or feel challenged? Do you really feel supportive, encouraged, and pushed forward in your life? Examine the relationship and find out what rewards you get out of it.

What rewards do you give the other person? Do they have a good time, learn from you, and feel supported and encouraged? What benefits do they get from you out of your relationship?

What rewards do you get from the relationship that benefit others? Does your relationship with that person help you with your other relationships? By talking and being with them do you learn more about other people and they way you interact with them? Write them down.

The rewards we get from relationships are many. For some, they say it is as simple as the knowledge that someone is "there for me", but there is more to it. Knowing a person is "there" means trusting, believing, and having faith in them and the relationship. How equal are the rewards you get from the relationship compared to those you give? Does this relationship really benefit you and others in your life? Examine what you have written and write down in your journal your discoveries. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationships and how they are working. If they are seriously one-sided, some steps might need to be taken. Are you the one doing all the giving and no receiving? Or the opposite? Set a date with yourself in 3 to 6 months to review what you’ve written. Have you made any changes? Do you need to make some?

Social Interactions and
Connections Needs – PART III

For Part III of the form, set aside 20 minutes to examine how your personal needs are being met by your social interactions and support group. As you examine these personal needs, write down the name (possibly from your first circle chart) of the person that best meets that need, then evaluate what percentage does that person really does meet that need (10%, 50%, 90%, etc.). In the last column, write down the name of another person you could also turn to in order to get these needs met.

• Listening: Being heard is so important. Some people feel like their whole life is spent being ignored or not heard. We all need to be listened to, to be understood and paid attention to. Examine your circle chart and write down the name of the person who listens to you the most, or who you can count on the most to listen to you.
• Emotional Support: When times are tough, we not only need to be listened to, we need a shoulder to cry on. We need someone who tells us that we are okay, no matter what, and that they accept us. That we are loved and cared about. Who do you turn to for emotional support?
• Emotional Challenge: We all need a good kick in the butt sometimes. Who kicks your mental backside and keeps you on track in your life? Who challenges you to "get real"? These are the "mirrors" in our life. When we are with them, we get feedback that reflects who we are and what we are doing. These people listen to us and tell us the truth, no matter how hard it is. And they love us in spite of it. Who is your mirror? Who gives you the emotional challenge you need.
• Technical Support: When you need someone to tell you that you have done a good job, do you just take the word of anyone? No, you usually turn to someone you trust for their level of expertise to hand out such praise? If you are working, maybe it is someone at work who gives you the "atta boys" and pats on the back you need. If you aren’t working, who is it you trust to praise you when you’ve done a good job? This is your technical support person.
• Play: Support is not always about shoulders to cry on, it is also about having fun. Who do you have fun with? You need to have a playmate in life. It doesn’t have to be someone you compete against, but someone you have a good time with, be it going out for movies, walking on the beach, or just playing cards. Who makes you laugh?

Remember to mark down what percentage they fulfill this need and then who else you could turn to.

Here are some questions to ask yourself and to write about in your journal:
1. Do you rely upon one person all the time or several people?
2. Do you find yourself looking for all your needs to be fulfilled by only one person?
3. Do you ever find yourself wanting one need fulfilled but turning to someone you know can’t fulfill that need? What does that feel like?
4. What needs do you have that are not being met? Do you have any blank spots in this list?

A Healthy Support System

No one person can do everything for you. The fairy tale story is just that – a myth. A healthy support system, like a healthy body, are based upon dependence – depending upon all the parts to work together in harmony. When one part of the machine is out of order, others move in to make up for the loss, but only for a while. If the damaged or missing part isn’t fixed, the whole system can collapse. A healthy support system is critical to a healthy person and an act of extreme self-care.

There is a great lie out there that I’d like to demystify: "I’ve been alone but I’ve never felt lonely." We have all felt lonely at one time or another. I believe that in order to make such a claim, you have to have something to compare it to. If you don’t know what loneliness is, how do you know you’ve never had it?

Loneliness is a state of mind, where alone is a physical state. I know many people, including myself, who spend a lot of time alone, but rarely "feel" lonely. We all have felt the absence of someone in our life, be it through time, distance, or existence. "Lonely" is a state of loss. People use words to cover it up like "empty", "unloved", "lack of friends", "bored", "missing you", and other synonyms. It is all "lonely". Loneliness is a temporary condition, often considered permanent. People perpetuate this myth of permanency by saying, "Even in a crowd I feel lonely." This implies they always feel lonely. Not true. Unless there is something mentally off-balance, loneliness is not chronic. It can be fixed.

Loneliness, like all learned behaviors, is a habit. It is also a self-imposed restriction. If you really believe you are "lonely in a crowd", the odds are that you will attract people into your life you keep you feeling "lonely". They don’t spend much time with you, tend not to listen, and aren’t supportive. Breaking the loneliness habit involves courage and risk, and taking a chance on you.

To overcome the lonelies habit, treat it like you would getting a job, losing weight or getting in shape. Make a plan, write down all the steps, set a deadline, and start moving. Only you can make the changes you need in your life to invite support in. Look at the lonelies as a clue that a part of the machine in your healthy support system is giving out. It is time to find a replacement part or to repair a broken one.

Where are there holes in your forms? Are you missing the technical support or someone to play with? How do you go about filling in those blanks? What skills does it take? I asked people to define what it takes to get support and how to ask for it. Some examples included:

• Get Out: It is a bit challenging to find support locked up in your home. Get out in order to meet people. How you plan your "getting out" is up to you.
• Do it: All agreed that talk is cheap. Go out and do it. Get out and do whatever it takes.
• Giving: When you give of your self, do you give without expectation of return. Learn how to give freely, especially with your support. It makes you feel good and it will reward you later.
• Sharing: Sharing means giving, but it also means finding commonality which helps to build relationships. Maybe you can plan your "getting out" by getting involved in activities you enjoy, which finds you people you can share something in common with.
• Caring: When you care for others, others will care for you. Caring is a form of giving, but it is also showing concern, listening, holding a hand, and being there for others. It is a good place to start.
• An Open Mind: Many admitted that they developed friends from places and situations they never would have expected by keeping an open mind. I shared about meeting a fanatical Christian woman in North Carolina when I put up a sign inviting people to walk early in the morning. I was sure from the first moment she introduced herself – with her fanatic religious convictions coming up immediately – that this was someone I wanted to get away from. She ended up not as fanatical as I thought and she became a best buddy and still is! An open mind creates a wonderful room into which all kinds of magic can enter.
• Clear Communication: We often get bogged down with words, too many words, hiding the truth. Support comes from communicating your needs and the needs of others clearly and specifically.
• Listening: To be a good listener gives support, it also gets support. People want to listen to those who listen to them. ( For more on Active Listening )
• Follow Your Instincts: By trusting ourselves and listening to the little voice inside, we often can move into directions or towards people to find new relationships and support we might have missed. We can also trust that instinct to lead us away from damaging relationships, too.
• To Get a Friend, Be a Friend: Friends do make friends, so check out the people who you call "friends" and see if you are a friend to them in return.
• Be Brave: Sometimes courage comes from the doing, sometimes from the asking, but it takes courage to open yourself up to others.
• Risk: Like courage, risk is often involved in seeking support. With it comes a thrill or fear, which you can use to push yourself forward.
• Extreme Self-Care: As Cheryl Richardson endorses, by taking care of yourself, you can take care of others, and seeking support and building your support team, you are just taking better care of yourself.
• Want It: Before you can get it, you have to want it. Giving is easy for many, but the getting is very hard. You have to want to receive. It takes practice for many, but if you really want support, you have to allow it into your life.
• Trust: This is a big one. You have to learn to trust yourself and others when it comes to support.
• Faith: Whether it comes from God or within, seeking support means believing that it is out there for you. Not everyone will be a good match for your needs, but everyone has a lesson to teach you. You have to believe in the "University of Life" and have faith that you will find support and it is out there for you.
• Ask: How hard is it to really ask for support? For some very hard, for others, not at all. You have to decide the level of risk you are will to take, but if you don’t ask, you will never get.

What have you learned?

Creating a healthy support system is critical to a successful and powerful life. It is an ongoing project, so make appointments with yourself to get a "support system checkup" on a regular basis. As we age, our interests change, as does our enthusiasm, therefore our needs change. Other people grow and change along with us, sometimes growing closer, others farther. Check all the parts in your system and see what needs attention, and pay attention.

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

The following is the form used to accompany the essay on Support and Sharing.

Social Relationship Chart – PART I

First, plan to spend at least 15 minutes on this part of the exercise, so set aside time. Then, take a blank piece of paper and draw a small circle in the middle of it and label it “ME”. From this circle, draw a line out and draw another circle and label it with the name of some you trust, a friend, someone who supports you, encourages you, someone you can depend upon. Then draw another line out from the “ME” circle and label it with another person, and another. Keep the circles closest to “ME” who are the ones you most depend upon. Put circles farther away for people you know you can count on, but only selectively, once in a while.

After you have slowed down adding to your list, what have you learned about yourself? About your relationships? Are their people on the list who surprise you? Or people who you really thought would be close in but now you see they are farther out? Any changes you want to make, make them, but think out your reasons.

In your journal, write down what you have learned about yourself from this exercise. Put this form in your journal and make a date with yourself to check back in 3-6 months to do this again. See what changes you notice. Do you have more people closer to the center, or less? Why? What relationships changed and for what reasons? Were they good ones? Use this process to evaluate your support network over time, checking up on your social health.

Social Interactions and Connections
PART II Rewards and Demands

This form examines the rewards and demands upon your relationship.

Social Interactions and
Connections Needs – PART III

This form looks at where your sources of personal social needs come from. This form should take at least 20 minutes to complete, using the essay from the essay on Support and Sharing.

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Summary of Life Makeover meeting May 9, 2002

Every step of the way, you are making choices. The smallest decision you make in your day may effect the outcome of the day and your life. Most of us have had one of those "near-miss" moments in our life where we just avoid stepping off the curb to be hit by a speeding vehicle or some other catastrophe missed by the luck of the draw, fate, kismet, or whatever you may call it. As a victim of being hit by a truck, I know that during the many moments leading up to the accident, I could have been delayed or hesitated in such a way as to have avoided the moment. How many of our smallest decisions affect the path of our life? We spend a lot of energy confronting what we think are the biggest life decisions when the smallest can be just as powerful. Understanding the power of choice means looking at all the ways choice influences our life.

We first examined what goes into the process of making a decision. What are the elements, skills, behaviors, attitudes, and concepts associated with decision-making?

Of these, many agreed that time, money, energy, clarity, integrity, and state of mind have a lot to do with how they make their decisions. Then we discussed how people made their decisions:

• flip a coin
• guess
• take the thoughts and feelings of others into consideration
• consider your own self worth, value
• check it against your personal integrity
• check it against your mission statement/purpose
• pick one solution where the positive outcome outweighs possible losses
• accept the consequences

What is the definition of the word "decision" ? The best definition we came up with was "to solve problems by selecting one course of action from several possible alternatives". We then looked at the word "choice" and its definition as "options considered for a decision". It was important to define these words to help us better understand the process.

Why are some decisions easier than others?

The group discussed this issue and found that decisions that effected others were harder for them. Some said that decisions involving money were also hard. We then looked at what happens when we put off a decision.

• the item grows; becomes a monster
• intensifies
• overwhelms us
• makes it harder to make a decision
• sabotages us
• dominos onto everything and everyone else around us
• effects health
• effects attitude
• effects relationships

What do we get when we make a decision?

• energy
• commitment
• happy
• excited about life
• stimulated to make more
• courage
• support
• faith in self and others
• health
• sleep
• better relationships

In Cheryl Richardson’s book, Life Makeovers, some chapters deal specifically with the issue of making decisions and relate to this topic. In Week 12, Give Your Brain a Vacation, she talks about the process of assigning the "analytical" part of your brain to do the "research" of problem solving while the rest of your brain gets on with the daily activities. This has worked beautifully for those who have used it.

For example, when faced with a lawsuit over repairs on her apartment, Ruth used this technique and made an appointment with her analytical brain to discuss the suit in two weeks. She went on with the rest of her life over the next two weeks and whenever the thoughts started creeping in, consuming her energies, she would tell her brain to stop and just handle it, and to leave her alone until their appointment. At the appointed time, she met with herself and was able to really deal with the issues, and her analytical brain was ready for her. Instead of whirling and clicking over the issue, distracting herself from her work and life, she freed the rest of her brain to concentrate on what was important at the moment and set the worrying aside until we was ready to "handle it".

Our brains are incredibly powerful and we use so little of it, this is a great way to start taking advantage of some of its multi-tasking abilities.

In Week 18, Cheryl writes about focusing your energy. She tells of making a decision and then as she sat down to write it out, another thought popped into her head, then another, and each one seemed to be just as important, and before she knew it, she had lost all interest and enthusiasm in the first idea, and in fact had forgotten about it completely. Our inability to focus causes distractions which pull us apart in a variety of directions, making it hard to get anything done. By learning how to focus on one thing at a time and eliminating the distractions, our energy gets targeted instead of spread out, and we get more done. Anticipating distractions as well as eliminate them. They will pop up, so plan on them.

Week 28 tackles the important issue of "backbone". The opening quote of that chapter says, "Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results," by James Allen. Integrity is the most important of your personal priorities when it comes to living an authentic life, she explains.

Whatever your standards are in life, stick to them. If you make a life commitment to not steal, then you will give back the extra change you get by mistake at the local kiosk. If your standard is to not lie or gossip, you will turn away from the rumor mill when it seeks you out. When you start to lose your "backbone", life starts crumbling around you. Living with integrity means noticing where you are not honoring your standards and do something about it. When you are facing a decision, check in with your religious, moral, personal, and life values to see if this is in line with them.

Among the many other chapters that are so helpful to the decision-making process, a favorite of mine is Week 39, Settle for More. Cheryl describes a friend of hers who flies frequently as part of his work. When he found himself in an uncomfortable seat on the plane, he debated about how to handle this. He choose extreme self care and sat down and waited until the plane was finished loading, then he went to the front and spoke quietly to the attendant. With smiles she easily found him a better seat without any stress or discomfort to the other passengers.

She challenges us to take better care of ourselves and to not settle for less when we deserve it. This doesn’t mean being arrogant and demanding to be put first. It does mean not settling for less when you do deserve it.

For example, when was the last time you decided not to buy a piece of clothing, jewelry, or some treat thinking it was too expensive or you didn’t deserve it. Sometimes you do deserve to spoil yourself, so why not? Examining the areas in your life where you are short-changing yourself. Are you in a relationship you’ve outgrown or that isn’t good? Do you stay because of the other person or to protect their feelings and not yours? Are you taking on more work than you can possible do because you are more afraid to ask for help in your job (they might fire me) than to do a good job with what you have? Settling for more means encouraging you to become more aware of your own needs so you can treat them (and yourself) with the respect and consideration they deserve, helping you make decisions with extreme self-care a priority.

The Decision-making Process

What are the step-by-step actions to take to make a decision? After much research, I’ve come up with the major points of the process of decision-making.

What is the question, issue, or problem?

Without definition, you only have conflict and indescribable negative energy flying around with nothing to focus on. Examine the question, issue, or problem thoroughly to establish the question you need to answer before you. Clarify the point. What is it that is really being sought in this decision. What is at stake? What do you really want? Concentrate on the specifics not the subtleties or distractions. For example, if you are deciding upon moving to a new home, is the question really about moving or is it about making a change in your life? Or is it because of the pressure of family or lifestyle that demands you move to a "better" lifestyle? Or is it just boredom with where you are? What is the real issue that you are confronting?

Do you have the information you need to make a decision?

If you don’t have the information, what do you do? Research. So where and how do you research? The Internet is a great resource today, but many of us still go to our friends and family for input. Wherever you get the information, evaluate the evidence to see if it is appropriate. Where does the information come from? Can you trust it? Does it represent various views or narrow thinking? How accurate is the information? Is it fact or opinion? A friend of mine has a friend who is having an affair, and she doesn’t seem to care if her husband knows or not. My friend turns to this woman for advice. In my opinion, based upon the lifestyle her friend has chosen, I’m not sure I would respect her advice, but it is up to you to decide upon the validity of the sources. Same with the Internet. I was doing some research on Israel and the Intifada and I found some interesting information and thought it was valid until I inspected the source and found it came from a Neo-Nazi web site, a place I would have never visited if I had known it ahead of time. Really check your sources.

What are your options?

Carefully go through the information and look at your options. What are your alternatives? Make a list and write down the advantages and disadvantages or the pros and cons. What are the costs involved? What about the benefits? Which options will benefit you or others the most or the least? What are the consequences of the various options? And what obstacles will pop up with each option?

There are a variety of tools which can help you come up with alternatives. They include brainstorming, writing down your ideas, collaborative effort (teamwork), journaling, visualization, and examining your goals and life purpose. You can also do role playing, stepping into the shoes of each person involved in the conflict to consider their perspectives. Some people go to even greater lengths through storytelling (by telling friends you get new insights), seeking professional help, studying cases studies dealing with similar issues, seek creative outlets like painting or poetry to develop the ideas, or even to challenge themselves to write a new ending in their journal. There are many resources to cultivate your brain with the various options and endings to your decision, so take advantage of them and get unstuck.

Check the Meter: Check your integrity/purpose/mission/value system.

Whatever you call it, check your backbone to see if your integrity is in line with the decisions you are about to make. How will you feel about this decision? Good or bad? How will others feel about your choice? Will it be satisfying to you? What risks are involved? Are you willing to take a stand on this issue or will you be making a choice that compromises your stand? What compromises are you willing to make? What sacrifices are you willing to make? How will you feel about this in 5, 10, or even 20 years? Examine the impact of this decision upon the quality of your life and the integrity.

Experiential History: Have you made this decision before?

Check in with your own personal history to see if you have been up against the same or similar decision in the past. What did you decide? How did you decide? Was it the right decision? How would you change it? Or would you? Should you make the same decision again? We are supposed to be able to learn from our mistakes, so check in to see if you are making the same one or another, or if you are still doing the right thing.

Decision: Now what?

Check in with yourself to see if the time is right to make the decision. Sometimes it helps to wait to announce your decision, sometimes you have to decide quickly. Napoleon used to make his messengers and mail servers (who had traveled often for weeks if not months) several weeks outside the camp before allowing them to make their delivery. He figured that after about 6 weeks minimum, whatever problems were had at "home" would be solved and there would be less for him to do. Procrastination leads to headaches, but timing is everything. If this is the right time to make the decision, then take action. Make a plan, schedule time to complete the process, make arrangements with others, and keep the commitment to follow-thru on your decision.

Review/Evaluate/Follow-thru/Follow-up

After some time has passed, check in with yourself. What were the results of your decision? How would you change it? What did you do right/wrong? Was this an effective decision? How did it effect your quality of life? Did it benefit you, others, or the world in general? Evaluate the results so you can learn from each of your decisions. Then make sure you follow-thru on your decision commitments, and that you follow-up to make sure that the process is working all along the line. Sometimes the decisions we make affect others, not just ourselves, so we have to check to see if it is working for them as well as yourself. And take time to say thank you to those affected by your decision.

When NOT to make a decision

As with everything, timing is everything. There are just times when you aren’t ready to make a decision, or things are off balance enough that your decision should be suspect. Avoid making decisions when you are tired, hungry, or under stress or pressure of any sort, even the pressure to decide. These distractions can alter your perceptions and abilities to make decisions. It is better to take more time to arrive at a decision than to live with the consequences of an ill-advised one. Do not allow yourself to be rushed into any decision that you are not prepared to make or keep.

During a Life Makeover show on Oprah, Cheryl Richardson talked about how to delay a decision. You can say simple things like "I have to think about it" or "Let me sleep on it", and Oprah said that she tells people she needs to "pray on it." Figure out what you would say to delay the decision if you need to.

Practice it and use it for small decisions and then work your way towards the bigger situations. If you wait until you are faced with a huge decision with a lot of pressure, without the rehearsal you will probably fall down at the first sign of fire. Pick a phrase that works for you alone, or use several if the pressure keeps up, but make it your own. What can you say to slow down the process to give yourself time to think?

Set a realistic time frame for making your decision and stick to it. If you have months to decide, take them. If you have hours, take them. Few decisions have deadlines set in stone, so find out how much time you are allowed, then decide for yourself how much time you need and take it. Be realistic. There are consequences for delaying, but consider those in your planning. If necessary, renegotiate your time frame if you need more time. It is your life and you choose how you want to lead it.

Before you make your decision, collect and refine all the essential information you can gather concerning your decision and the options before you act. This is where time is critical. Gathering information can take some time, so consider how much you need for this step in the decision-making process, as well as each of the other steps and negociate your time frame accordingly.

Once you make a decision, the trip isn’t over. You still have to set goals to make your decision happen and to put your plan into effect. As you develop your plan of action, examine your choice thoroughly. Decide what steps are necessary to accomplish it. If you are not happy with your choice, start the decision-making process over again. Consider what will happen if you don’t keep your commitment?

What is the impact of emotion on the decision-making process?

The old adage to never make a decision when you are angry is true. Intense emotions affect our decision-making process. They put pressure on our spirit, they are distracting and add confusion to what might be an already confusing situation. It is really important to put time between your emotions and the decision in order to get clarity on the situation.

Yet, compassion is a good guide when it comes to making your decisions. When you let compassion guide you, rather than self-interest, pride, and arrogance, you walk in the shoes of those around you and consider their interests, too. Don’t make decisions that devalue your own life and worth, but do consider the value of others in this process.

The attitude proposed through the popular Star Trek television show of the Prime Directive of non-interference and honoring infinite diversity is a good code of ethics to adopt. When you take into consideration the value each participant has to the process, you value them as part of the process. The attitude of "my way or highway", or what I call "ultimatum thinking", just doesn’t work. It is a self-centered and selfish decision when your decision results in a self-serving end and a resounding "Fine! Never again!" cutting off all alternatives and negotiations. Keep an open mind and become compassionate in your decision-making process.

Don’t forget that conflict is a natural part of life and can promote personal growth and learning when approached with the appropriate skills, attitudes, and standards.

Creating a Stress Free Decision Lifestyle

Yes, you can create a lifestyle that makes the decision process stress free. It is a choice and here are some steps along the path to create such an environment.

First, help yourself make the process easier by making the process easier. Sounds simple, but it is just that simple. We often churn over the smallest detail in our life or put up obstacles to make the process more difficult. This is called "getting in our own way".

Life would be so much easier if we simply got our of our own way and cleaned up our thinking and life. Some people make the decision making process harder by anticipating and assuming outcomes without even considering the question or gathering the information. "I just know it will end like that!" Maybe it won’t, but thinking that way certainly may create such an outcome. Even if it doesn’t, energy goes out in that direction and it is exhausting. This form of "ultimatum thinking" implies that the course of your life is set in stone and there are not other options. That is not true. Open yourself up to all the possibilities. Just because it may have happened in that way in the past does not mean you have to repeat it.

Don’t buy into the agenda of others.

Many of our conflicts result in the actions and behaviors of others, forcing us to make decisions in anger. Anticipating their responses is an assumption and prepares you to go into the confrontation ready for battle. If the battle doesn’t occur, you may create it just because you are in fighting mode. How others respond and react towards you, whatever their agenda, is their problem. Yours is keeping your head cool and calm and open to the possibilities. If you hear old tapes running, stop them and clear your head to create new, positive ones. A friend told me that she couldn’t talk to her daughter about a certain subject. "If I do she will just get all mad and blame me and there we’ll go again into another fight." Since the script between her daughter and herself had been written many times before and each person knew their lines, sure enough the show would repeat itself. So I told her to change the lines. The show is old and needs updating. Change the script and it will defuse the situation. She did and was honestly shocked at the power she felt within herself and at the change in her daughter’s attitude. It will take a while for the daughter to get used to the new script, but adaptation is part of life. Make sure the adaptation is to the positive.

Clarify the situation.

First, clearly look at what the problem, issue, or conflict is. It is really coming from what you think the decision is or is it deeper? Always be willing to look deeper to find the truth in the situation. Examine what elements in the decision are negotiable and non-negotiable. Clarify who is really involved and effected by this decision and determine their role in the process. The clearer you are about the situation, the easier the process of deciding.

Create a support network.

Whether for advice or support once the decision is made, surround yourself with people who will be there for you when you need it. People who will listen when you need it, offer help when you ask, and encourage you through the process. These are people who do not add to the confusion but enhance the clarity. They can become mirrors to you in your own life, exploring the options and helping you understand yourself and the situation better. Learn how to ask for help, too. Consider those in your support network you trust as mentors, people you look up to. Use their lives as an example to consider how they would respond to the situation. Then use your own life to set an example for others.

Eliminate distractions.

Focus on one problem at a time. Identify the common goals and interests between the decisions, situations, and people involved. The more you can find in common, the more possibilities you may find. Focusing on the negative seems to add more confusion. When you find your mind looping in circles, stop the cycle and get out of the loop. Find quite time to clear away the distractions so you can focus and get the clarity you need to make the decision.

Play a semantics game.

Think of the decision-making process as offering suggestions, choices, and requests instead of demands. Changing the words to positive synonyms may help you create a more pleasant experience. Remember, it is all about attitude.

Admit mistakes and apologize when appropriate.

Many conflict situations are defused when you simply realize you screwed up and admit it. Don’t defend your decisions, but share your concerns about the results without self-blame or guilt, or blaming others. Explain why a particular choice was ineffective for you and learn from your mistake and move on. Make it clear to others you’ve learned from your mistake.

Defuse upset and angry feelings before moving to problem-solving.

When you need to, get distance, whether physical or mental, to separate the emotion from the issue.

Avoid sarcastic, blaming and embarrassing remarks and self talk.

How many times have you found yourself frustrated with a decision so you start bad-mouthing the process and the people involved? Or doing the negative self-talk: "You are so stupid. How could you do something that idiotic?" Stop it. Find some clue word that will remind you to put up a big stop sign in your mind to stop the thinking. It doesn’t help anyone or the situation.

Avoid situation escalation.

If you feel the tensions rising and the pressure starting to boil, what can be done to defuse the tension and control the escalation? Do you need more time? Do you need to involve others in the process? Whatever it is, clarify it and do what you can to immediately drop the pressure down to a more tolerable situation. Procrastination is one of the leading causes of personal escalation of the pressures, so if you are putting off a decision that needs to be made, take all that wasted energy spent putting it off and get it done now.

Emphasize on problem solving that focuses on the future not the now or past.

Many times we spend more time focusing on how we messed up in our choices in the past, or we are paralyzed about making a decision now, so we never get to the process and stress ourselves out. Look to the future. How will this decision effect your future? What will be the impact on you 5, 10, or 20 years in the future? Can you live with those consequences? Everything you do now effects your life later, so consider it now and learn to live long-term not short-term.

Focus on consistency and stability.

Have you ever known one of those people who makes decisions based upon the wind? Who seems to change his or her mind, going off in a variety of directions without seeming to be on a path? Who seems to be guided more by external forces than internal ones? Or maybe you are one of those. By creating a consistent and stable decision-making environment, you will tend to stay on a solid path of decision-making. Check in with your personal values and integrity to see if your decisions are in line with what you want and not with the way the wind blows. The more consistent your decisions are in line with your "authentic self" the easier the decision-making process will become.

Set aside time for the decision-making process.

Don’t make decisions under fire, and learn how to negociate for time.

Keep your mind opened and filled with new ideas.

The more new information you gather around you, the more possibilities you see as you consider your choices. As Lily Tomlin explains as Trudy the Bag Lady in "The Search for Intelligent Life in the Universe", the mind is like a pinata. You never know what surprises you will find inside when you break it open.

See your decision as a part of the whole not a part of the self.

When you make your decisions based upon the greater whole of your life or the world, your decisions may carry a greater weight, but your value system will be more in line with the bigger picture. Make your decisions considering the whole impact.

Summing it up

This is a lot of information about the power of choice and the decision-making process. In summation, here is the three step process that I use to make my decisions. Ask yourself the following three questions and check them thoroughly against your personal value system and integrity:

What is most important to me right now?

Every word in this sentence is critical. "What" means to define the issue. "Is" is a take action word. "Most" implies just that, a vital sense of importance. "To me" represents the aspect of extreme self-care Cheryl Richardson promotes, which means we have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. "Right now" creates a feeling of immediacy, checking in with the present not the past or the future, but at this moment in time. This entire question begs a look deep inside at myself, a moment to check-in to see how I am doing in this moment and where my priorities are.

What will give me my "best life"?

What alternatives among your options will give you the best return on your life investment? Again, we are dealing with extreme self-care, but it isn’t out of selfishness. We deal with that in the next question.

What will benefit the most people in the best way?

As you consider your options, include the world around you. By setting an example for others through your decision-making process, and by making decisions that considers the greater good, you will begin to feel the power in your possibilities and life.

How do you use this?

I use these three steps with just about every decision I make. Preparing for the evening program, I was racing around trying to get everything together and my husband arrived home. In the middle of debating clothing choices, paper gathering, and other last minute preparations, he walked into the middle of my decisions and added one more decision for me to make. I stopped for a second and asked myself "what is most important right now" and the overwhelming answer was "him". He is the most important thing to me. So I dropped everything, literally, and jumped into his arms for our daily welcome home hug, a time we consider the best and most important of our day. It may seem like a small decision to you, but for us, it is the best decision.

Walking early in the morning, I often encounter garbage cans left out blocking the street. I make a conscious choice every time I encounter one to move it out of the way. I do this not just for myself but for the greater good to benefit the most people in the best way. How do I not know that two minutes after I pass by some elderly person will confront these blocking cans and be unable to get around or to move them. I’ve cleared the way for them and others who will follow me.

For me, this is a nothing-sized decision, but for others, it can make a huge difference in the quality of their life. Ruth spotted me doing that one day and asked why. When I told her, she started doing the same thing and I again had a bigger influence on the world around me.

Whether you use this process or the others described herein for big or little decisions, every decision you make influences the outcome of your day and life. One participant in the program challenged me by asking if I had the "cure-all" for addiction. I told her I did. It isn’t my unique program but one that has been practiced and preached for thousands of years. It is the power of choice.

By understanding that every moment of every day we are confronting many choices, and by understanding the power we have over those choices, we can overcome any habit, including addition. It took choice to pick up the drug, alcohol, or cigarette. It takes choice to put it down. Every second of the day an addict has to decide YES or NO to their addiction. The more they choose NO the more power and control they influence over their life. The more people choose YES to a healthy lifestyle and better quality of life, the more people will live such a life. While you may believe you are just a leaf on the river of life, pushed and shoved around by the current, you do have the power to guide your path and it comes from the choices you make. Honor them and yourself.

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

I’ve heard from some of you that you are unhappy with your small group. Some concerns are interesting. I thought I would share a few and offer some suggestions to help you and your group.

One woman called worried about a woman in her group monopolizing the meeting. "Have you told her how you feel?" "Oh, I couldn’t!" The woman works in the mental health field, so she must be some kind of an expert in this, she assumed. I asked if she had problems with questioning or criticizing people in authority. She admitted this was true. I told her that now is the time to confront those fears and the small group is a great and safe place to tackle this fear head on.

Another person was very concerned about how little she had in common with her group. She felt distant and unconnected with them. She wanted to be in a new group, one she decided to be more exciting and interesting. I asked her what were her expectations of being in a group – any group. She thought the group should click and instantly “be there” for each other, ready to help, hug, and support. "Does reality always meet your expectations?" I asked her. "No, it usually doesn’t." "Did you tell them how you felt?" I reminded her that they can’t read her mind, so unless she tells them how she feels, she will stay distant and unconnected with them. Maybe they felt the same way.

"It is just too much for me," were the frustrated words of another woman explaining how her group just wears her out. "I’ve got to get this one set up on a date, and the other calls me all the time to solve every problem, and the other one just expects me to take care of everything. I’m so tired out, I don’t know what to do." Knowing this woman took care of an elderly and ill parent, I asked her, "Do you have to take care of everyone?" Since all of her energy was going OUT to take care of everyone else, she had nothing left over to take care of HERSELF. Honestly, when you take care of yourself, you have more energy to take care of others. Burning yourself out doesn’t help anyone. I urged her to stop taking care of the people in the group and to encourage them to take care of themselves. "Tell them to stop you when you start to take over their life and tell them how to run it." With care, the group can help her help herself.

Just so everyone understands, it is not my job, or Ruth’s, as coordinators of the Tel Aviv Life Makeover group to screen potential members. We are not qualified and we don’t want to. Each person and each group is part of its own special microcosm of life – specifically YOUR life. Did you attract people in your group who make you nervous or uncomfortable? Clearly there is a lesson here to learn. In the last example, this woman attracted the same situation she lives in life, taking care of others, and if she wants, she can learn how to stop this life-inhibiting behavior through the group.

Everyone in your group has a gift for you, maybe many. Are you open to their gifts? Are you open to the lessons? If you can’t work on your life in the small group, where can you? Take advantage of the miracle you have attracted into your life through your group and reap the benefits they have to offer.

Here are a few points to consider in your group:

What Do You Want From Your Small Group?

Define your purpose in the group. What do you want from the group? Share it with each other. You might find out that you have a lot in common with each other.

Tell Them How You Feel

These people maybe brilliant and incredibly gifted in general, but most of them can’t read minds. If you don’t tell them how you feel about how the group is going, how do you know if they do or don’t feel the same way. Or maybe they can help you get real with your expectations. Either way, since you can’t read their minds, help everyone by telling them how you feel.

Active Listening

Really listen to each other. When you aren’t clear about what someone is saying, ask. Tell them what you think you are hearing, and ask them for confirmation.

Focus and Concentrate

When you are at the meeting or talking on the phone, be there 100%. Don’t be doing laundry, work, or shopping in your head. Be there in the moment and concentrate on what is happening and what is being discussed. You never know where your next life lesson is going to come from.

Stay on Track

Sure, you and your group will deviate from the topic and the conversation will wander all over the place. Stop and remind each other why you are here. Create an agenda before each meeting. Concentrate on discussing the homework and the changes in our lives due to working with the book. If you start wandering in your conversation, stop and focus. If someone in the group wanders, gently pull them back to the topic at hand so the group stays on track.

Ask for Help

You have several people on your side automatically just waiting to be asked. Have you asked them for help? There is no act that is not worth asking for help for. Need some help cleaning out that back, dark and deep closet? Need someone to sit with you while you confront some much needed ironing? Or do you need more specific help like someone to translate some Hebrew papers or help you move? Maybe the help you need involves meeting some of the homework assignments in the book. Asking gets you more help than not asking. Take advantage of the members of your group to start practicing how to ask. Remember, they can always say no, but at least you asked.

Have a Wind Bag?

If someone is your group is monopolizing your time together with their own agenda, tell them to stop. Sure, there will be times when one person needs more attention than the rest, but not every time. This is an equal opportunity group with room for everyone to participate. If you can’t stop someone in the group monopolizing your time, how can you stop someone outside of the group?

Set Ground Rules

As a group, decide what the ground rules are. Every group is different with different needs, but every group should agree from the start to keep everything said within the group "in" the group. Privacy is very important, as is trust. Make a ground rule to show up on time. Maybe your group needs a ground rule that helps the group stay on track like a stop watch or someone to ring a bell when the topic strays too long and too far. Discuss what your ground rules should be and keep them.

Fine. What does that mean?

"How was your week?" "Fine. Yours." "Fine." STOP! "Fines" get you no where. I personally hate "fines". So I always ask, "What does that mean?" Get in touch with yourself and the others around you by stopping the "fines" and really figure out what you are really feeling and saying. Leave the cliches behind. This is part of getting real with your life.

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

At a self-improvement seminar I attended years ago, their rules for attendance were simple.
1. Arrive on time.
2. Do not leave the room during the program unless given permission.
3. Participate fully.

Pretty easy, until I began to test them out. At first, I found myself participating fully, snapping my brain back whenever it wandered, but after a while, it became harder and harder to concentrate. The breaks were well scheduled, so my bladder didn’t protest, but my brain didn’t want to follow rule 3. I worked on it and by the end of the program, my ability to concentrate, to be there in the moment and not have my head somewhere else while my body occupied a chair, dramatically improved. What a wonderful skill to learn.

The killer of the rules for others was rule one. There is something about showing up on time that seems to get in the way of people’s lives. Or is it people’s lives that get in the way of showing up on time? The program leader explained that wherever you are RIGHT NOW is exactly where you are supposed to be, and wherever you are is more important. I was confused until he explained that whatever you were doing that made you late in the first place had to have been more important than arriving on time. If the program is most important, you will do whatever it takes to be there on time, no matter what. No excuses. In Seattle, many don’t just rely upon cars and buses. There are ferry boat schedules influenced by weather, extremely congested narrow bridges and highways, and other hazards that can influence transportation times. For me, who felt that the program was most important, I would leave my home with plenty of time to spare. No excuses. For others, they blamed the traffic, the weather, their cars, their family, and all kinds of things. I looked at their excuses and found them wanting. After all, I gave up precious sleeping and working time to be there on time to participate fully. Why didn’t they arrange their schedule to accommodate the weather, traffic, family, and keep their vehicles filled up and well maintained in order to show up on time?

I learned that rule number one was about more than just being on time. It was about integrity. If I commit to be somewhere, I’m there. If I commit to do something, I do it. No excuses. Sure, life gets in the way, but I learned that I have choices all the way along that influence my ability to keep my integrity and commitments. I have a lot of options and learning how to look at your choices and not your problem is a way to live your life with integrity and honesty with yourself and others.

As I came to embrace rule number one, I stopped making excuses, and not just for being late. If everything failed me and I did arrive late, instead of giving a huge story and opera of excuses, I would just apologize and get on with the business at hand, moving forward instead of backwards. I finally broke my habit of living my life making excuses all the time. I found myself taking better care of myself and my time, padding time around appointments so that I could have the time to get there and be ready for the meeting instead of blowing in at last minute. I learned how to say no when I realized that I couldn’t keep every commitment requested of me. I learned how to value my time and honor those who also value it enough to meet with me. And most of all, I learned that if I’m late, wherever I am and what ever I am doing must be more important than being there.

For more information on Life Makeovers Group – Tel Aviv, contact Lorelle VanFossen at 03-696-1890 or lorelle@cameraontheroad.com, or contact (Hebrew/English) Ruth Alfi 03-523-4273 or 05-040-6613.