Letter to Those Desiring a Career in Nature and Travel Photography

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On a regular basis I get emails and comments from students attracted to the photography bug. To them, photography represents the exotic, exciting, and adventurous. While there are some aspects that involve travel, adventure, and excitement, for the most part photography as a hobby is fun. Photography as a business is hard work and boring.

A couple years ago I created the following form letter in response to the quantity of requests for advice and help with a photography career in travel and nature. I’m updating it but I thought you might enjoy the older version for posterity.


Brent VanFossen balances his long camera lens on roof of car while photographing big game animals from the road. Photography Lorelle VanFossen.Dreams of a nature and travel photography career is a good dream, but one that requires an education first.

I know I sound old, but I wish I’d had the photography, art, and business training I needed before I first hit the road with my camera. Traveling costs money, but it also presents a lot of opportunities I could have turned into income which would have allowed me to spend more time exploring and expanding my art and skills rather than taking any job I could to pay for the next trip. No matter how you look at it, photography is expensive.

School is boring. School really doesn’t teach you what you need to know to succeed in life. Still, you have to have the piece of paper that says, “This is proof I know how to complete things. I know how to suffer and make it through it.” There is no photography career you can take on without that piece of paper if you wish to do more than run your own business. Even then, a fine art or graphic arts degree is a minimum. A business degree is a requirement.

Lorelle sites in the grasses as spotter for eagles, British Columbia, Canada.

I recommend that you triple your educational activities outside of the traditional classroom. Honestly. Do not play all the time, throw away the television, and sign up for every class you can at the local college or training schools or wherever on photography, art, business, public relations, contracts, negotiation, sales training, advertising – take any class you can. All will apply to a photography career. Go to school until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, then head right out for one to two classes a night elsewhere. Learn to manage your time. Learn everything. Learn how to take notes and how to flex your memory so you don’t have to take notes. Ace everything.

If you spend two to four years immersed in classes and education, you will emerge ready for the next 50 years of a photography career. If you do not, you will spend more time learning and studying, losing deals rather than winning them, than out and about with the camera.

Make a plan. Photography is not about the camera. It’s not about taking the pictures. It’s about selling them.

It’s about understanding the marketplace and trends to be taking the pictures you can sell three years before the style is in fashion because you were paying attention with how the market was moving and there, before everyone else, to respond to the shifts in the purchasing power. It’s about negotiating business contracts for publishing books, videos, CDs, from simply selling an image then leveraging it to sell it again and again. It’s about know how to negotiate with an airline company that wants to put your photograph on the tail of several of their airplanes. It’s about negotiating with a movie company that wants to use your image on their marketing and promotional campaign.

Duane Hansen hides in camo in the trees behind his camera.It’s about learning how accounting works and how the tax system works in your country and outside. Because I travel and work all over the world, I have to know what the tax rules and laws are in the various states within the United States (income tax, no income tax, sales tax, no sales tax, property tax, earned income taxes, investment taxes – will they tax money I earn outside of the state or only within the state) as well as the tax rules for living outside of the country and how to pay taxes on money earned outside and within…and the list is long.

I’ve never been good with basic numbers, even though I can program a spreadsheet, database, or computer. I had to take a lot of classes later in life to figure out how to estimate jobs for photo assignments and work with the stock photography industry. Do you know how to write a release form and ask for someone to sign it before you photograph them or their property? Do you know the laws pertaining to the photography of public areas, public parks, national parks, and private property? Do you know how to determine value for insurance when traveling with the camera gear, and deal with insurance companies after losing or having the gear stolen? When I work with big companies or magazines on photo projects, they use a language all of their own. I had to learn all that.

Traveling is fun. Taking pictures is fun. Selling and making a living to pay for the travel and the gear sucks. If you don’t know how to do that, the traveling sucks and the taking pictures just gets you pictures – pictures that you can’t show to anyone because no one cares or wants them. Any twit with a cell phone now has a camera and they are more interested in their pictures than yours.

If I could do it all over again, that is what I would do. I would immerse myself in 4-6 years of fine arts, graphic arts, business, advertising, marketing, and entrepreneurial classes. I’ve got the business degree, but it isn’t enough. I was working while going to school and my mind wasn’t in the game as much as it should have been. Learn from me.

Duane Hansen in the mud photographing tulips closeup, Skagit Valley, Washington.I’ve learned from the best in the business that they stayed in school and went to night school to get the training they really needed because they sat down at 16 years old and made a plan for their lives. They went where serendipity took them, but only because they had the training and education to recognize an opportunity when it stood in their face and followed their heart along with the money trail.

That’s my little bit of advice. Over the years, thousands of people have taken my classes and workshops. They have talked to me about how they gave up school and everything to hit the road and photograph. Some worked for 30 or 40 years then gave up everything for photography. Either way, without a plan, without the education to make it happen, they wasted years of their lives flailing around. They are not photographers but wannabes. They are mechanics, doctors, lawyers, dentists, writers, hair stylists, and whatever job they fell into, not photographers. They didn’t take the time nor had the plan to learn what it takes to be a photographer. Art Wolfe did. Galen Rowell did. George Lepp did. Frans Lanting did. Look at the ones with dozens of books and you will find someone who made a plan and learned what it took to implement that plan, and grabbed the best opportunities (not the loser opportunities) because they knew what they wanted. They have the papers that say “I know how to complete things.”

Good luck and know that EVERYONE feels the same as you at your age. If we didn’t, the world would be broken. It’s natural.

Lorelle

Got Meme? How to Attract Clients and Customers Attention

Effective marketing memes focus on a specific clientele and a solution, or better yet a common client problem. For example, “I help independent professionals attract more clients,” identifies a market and a client problem. It also invites the follow up question “How?” FedEx grew their now billion dollar business with the meme, “When it absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight.”

Whether you use a meme in the elevator, on your business card or in your mailings, it should help your prospects know whether you are talking to them and define you as someone who can help them solve a problem, and prompt prospects to ask if your products and services could help them, too.
Got Meme? How to Attract Your Clients’ and Customers’ Attention from SCORE

This short and to the point article looks at helping you develop a “meme” which is a key phrase used in networking, marketing and advertising to help people remember and understand what you do and why. We cover the specific steps in how to do this in our article on Casting Your Net-work – Ten Words or Less What Do You Do.

If you are serious about building up your business and spreading the word about what you do and what you have to offer, you can’t bypass this important step: Explain what you do, why you do it, how you do it, and who you do it for in ten words or less.

From My Kitchen Tabletop to Your Computer Laptop

In a fascinating article on SCORE, veteran catalog guru, Lillian Vernon, shares her insights about the move From My Kitchen Tabletop to Your Computer Laptop, covering the history of the Lillian Vernon Corporation and catalog from a small kitchen business to a worldwide company with millions of dollars in sales online every year.

When I founded Lillian Vernon Corporation on my yellow Formica kitchen table in 1951, I couldn’t have imagined selling to customers linked by little boxes called “laptops” to a “tabletop” of mine that is actually a big box called a server, located in cyberspace rather than physical space.

Back then, a visit was a friend stopping by for coffee, the number of hits told us if the New York Yankees would make it to the World Series and a web was spun by a spider. The only thing launched in the 1950s was a rocket in a Buck Rogers serial, and a site was something for sore eyes. User friendly? Well, in those days, we didn’t even talk like that in mixed company!

So, you could imagine my hesitation when, four and a half decades later, in 1995, we took our first steps into what is now called “e-commerce,” or selling electronically. That year, realizing that e-commerce would play an important role in the future of catalog retailing, we set up an online shop through America Online, where we thought our customers were most comfortable.

The following year, we unveiled our own online catalog, featuring 200 of our best-selling items, at our new address on the Internet: www.lillianvernon.com. And in December 1998, we completely redesigned the site, expanding our online offerings to more than 400 products in nine categories. In doing so, we enhanced our customers’ ability to shop with computers.

The article not only addresses the history of her evolution as a company from home business to modern tech corporation, she talks about how she had to “go with the flow of technological change” as a benefit for her customers. From mail order to telephone orders to fax order to online Internet orders, Lillian Vernon has seen as lot of technological growth and had plenty of opportunity to shy away from the changes. She didn’t, and she speaks candidly about what she’s learned from the process.

We’ve all come a long way with our online exposure especially businesses. It helps to step back for a moment to look at how far we’ve come and the lessons we’ve learned along the way. Lillian Vernon took a simple idea, bringing things people wanted that were hard to find but helpful to their lifestyle to their door rather than the customer coming to the store. The online world makes this easier, but it all starts with that appointment with your kitchen table to plan it all out.

10 Bad Project Warning Signs

We’ve written a lot of articles about the business of nature photography and photography in general, helping people move photography from a hobby to a profession.

One aspect we’ve only lightly touched in our article on Hiring Yourself, there is a lot more involved when it comes to becoming a freelance photographer working under contract. And a lot to learn.

Andy Budd’s 10 Bad Project Warning Signs is a great article for the freelancer or beginning freelancer.

One of the great things about being a freelance web designer is the ability to turn down projects. I’ve come across a few projects recently that sounded interesting but made me feel nervous. It wasn’t any one specific thing; rather a series of small little things that set my internal alarm bells ringing. As such I’ve written up a list of bad project warning signs. Individually none of these signs should be deal breakers. However put a few of them together and it may be worth thinking twice about taking on that project.

The ten things are a must read. Check it out.

Center of the World?

Driving in Tel Aviv is an experience. Need I say more. Okay, I do. Heading down Alozorov, I witnessed a truly shocking event. One car ahead of me was a Mercedes Benz. In the lane next to it was a good-sized motor scooter driven by an even bigger sized man. This is an everyday event in Tel Aviv, but the fact that the scooter man was having a conversation, one hand on the scooter and the other on a cigarette flying about in the air, with the man in the Mercedes (also with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hanging out the window, cigarette punctuating the air) WHILE DRIVING DOWN the road. This wasn’t the quick chat at the light. This went on for BLOCKS. They kept swerving between their two plus lanes, staying up with each other, chatting away while cars swerved to avoid and try to go around them, honk at them, and avoid smashing into each other. I witnessed three almost crashes, including one with a bus. My friend and I followed this almost catastrophe from Namir until Dizengoff where both of them turned left (illegally) from their perspective lanes, in synch while still chatting. They were still going down Dizengoff, side by side, as I passed the intersection.

Continuing my own course, I wanted to scream, "Idiot Israelis!" but I didn’t. That is too easy. Too often we take the easy way out. I am at a point in my life where I want to confront my fears and belief system, questioning my prejudicism in all forms. I call this "personal integrity". So I gave this more thought before passing judgment. The lesson I got from this event was not just that too many people here are arrogant and think the world revolves around themselves, but that they actually do think that the world does revolve around themselves while thinking that the world does NOT revolve around themselves. Let me make this clearer.

Remember Cheryl Richardson’s comment about "extreme self care"? She says that when there is an emergency on an airplane, the instructions are to put the oxygen mask over your own face before putting it on the child next to you. Take care of yourself first, and you will have more energy to take care of others around you. Right? We’ve been talking a lot about how to take care of yourself over the past six months of this program. It involves things like finding your passion (helping you to do what you love not what you do for other reasons), getting past your excuses (I’m too tired, not enough money, not enough time, whine whine whine), and learning how to communicate better, set boundaries, and ask for what you want. Are you taking better care of yourself?

What I am hearing from many of you, especially those who aren’t coming to the meetings regularly, is that you aren’t. You are "trying" but not doing. That’s okay. If you got anything out of this program, it is the fact that you have to take better care of yourself because you are all you got! When you take better care of yourself, you will make better choices and have more time, money, and energy for all the things that are really important in life. This program is about making your life over and it starts with taking care of yourself – first.

Listening to you all, what I hear from people is that the needs of others come first. This doesn’t sound like arrogant Israelis! This sounds like self-sacrificing folks. Yet, in the middle of traffic, I found two guys who believed that for that moment, what they were doing was more important than the drivers around them, the bus load of people, and all the manners in the world. While you may think these guys behavior was as outrageous as I do, they really believed that the world revolved around them at that moment and that they were the center of the universe. No one and nothing else mattered. What they were doing was more important than all else.

Yet, if I asked them later, outside of their vehicles, if they really were arrogant and believed that the world revolved around them, they would deny it, I’m sure.

We are taking care of ourselves, whether we admit it or not. Are there moments when you really do think the world revolves around you, but you deny it? Isn’t that taking away your personal power? I’m not talking about being rude and selfish to others, but selfish in yourself to put yourself first with extreme self care. When we deny ourselves the gift of ourselves, we are short changing our lives. We are taking away our power, energy, strength, and our own personal integrity. It is okay to be the center of the world, and it’s okay to admit it when you are. Just don’t do it on the street while endangering the lives of others.

As I pondered all this, I noticed a car in front of me had a great bumpersticker. "If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk!". The only reason I noticed the car and the bumpersticker was that it was indeed driving half on the sidewalk and half on the road ahead of me.

Returning home, I found another bumpersticker that touched me even deeper. I think it is appropriate in this time and place, and in this discussion. I hope you write it down and stick it up on your bathroom mirror:

"Don’t postpone joy!"

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

The Symptoms of Touch – Hiddai Levi

Program by Hiddai Levi
Essay/Notes by Lorelle VanFossen


To right the unrightable wrong,
to love pure and chaste from afar,
to try when your arms are too weary,
to reach the unreachable star.
Song, The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha

Exploring the psychology and "symptoms" of touch with Hiddai Levi was a revelation for many Life Makeover participants at the last meeting. Here is a summary of the meeting.

How important is touch?

Hiddai Levi, a touch and massage therapist, explained how we come into this world with certain expectations. These expectations are formed in the womb. We have lungs we can’t use in the womb, created with the expectation of breathable air upon birth. We have eyes, which can’t see in the womb, designed with the expectation of sight, as are our ears designed for the expectation of sound and our mouths and tongues for the expectation of taste. All parts of our body, including our musculature, digestive system, everything is designed with expectation of usge outside of the womb, but inside, they are fairly useless.

The largest organ in our body is our skin. When we are born, it has the expectation of touch. It craves touch. Watch a child examine everything with their hands and all their senses. With this tactile receptor covering our entire body, it is designed to be touched and to touch, awaiting input upon birth. Touch gives us information in the beginning, hot, cold, and texture. Touch gives us information from the moment of birth about the environment around USA, including the touch of those who care for us and how they touch us. Many of us have a real physical memory of being held by our parents. In studies done with monkeys, baby monkeys deprived of touch after birth usually die. It isn’t much different with human babies. Touch is an expectations upon birth usually given by our parents and caretakers.

As we grow, touch moves from instinct and natural to psychological. Touch starts to carry the "weight" of emotions and manners, social etiquette steps in. Children learn the rules of touch by watching adults, especially family members, interact with touch, as well as being told when it is appropriate to touch and when not. Judgment is passed on touch and touching fades from our everyday life when we start to walk and get independent. As a mobile child, we are soon taught that there are good touches and bad touches, and to not let any one you don’t know touch you. Before most children learn that, they instinctively move towards anyone with open arms, ready for embraces and kisses, until the behavior is taught out of them and touching gains rules. Touch moves from parents to friends as the child grows, through wrestling and fighting, arm and hand holding, incorporating touch into play. As a teenager, touch becomes sexual and few teenagers receive more than compulsory hugs from their parents, and the rest are limited to hand shakes, until the teenager encounters dating, where the touching rules change again. As an adult, touch only comes from strangers with hugs and hand sakes or through intimate relationships. Once the adult has a family, touch fills their life again through their children, until the children start to learn that touch has rules. Until grandchildren enter the stage, most touch will then come from one person, their partner, or few people, until death.

The Memory of Touch

Hiddai asked everyone to close their eyes and think back to their earliest memory of being held, hugged, and surrounded by loving touch. Then he asked people to remember the feeling and memory of being hugged at other times in our life by different people, including someone we loved or felt loved by. Then he asked us to recall the feeling we have when we hold a baby in our arms. We discussed the different feelings associated with the different hugs and how people remembered them.

Some people couldn’t remember being hugged or touched as a child, claiming their family wasn’t a "touching" family. They accept that as a baby they probably were held, but their childhood memories didn’t recall much if any touching. We talked about how that felt and what it means to them today, whether they now make a point of incorporating touch into their lives with their children and others, or if they perpetuate the behavior with their families and loved ones. Some did one or the other, while others found a middle of the road approach, bringing touch in, more than their parents did, but not as much as they might really want to, evaluating the level of touch at each step of the way.

For others, they remembered hugs and touches of parents as part of the communication of love, giving them a real sense of security and self worth. These people passed on their hugs and touches to their children, even hugging them without judgment as adults. For many of these people, they seemed to have a fairly high sense of self and self confidence, unlike some of those who didn’t have much if any recalled touch in their childhood, who tended to be distant in their relationships and personalities, generally speaking.

Most felt big differences between hugging a family member and a friend or loved one. Usually these were considered more special and a distinct feeling from hugging a family member. Hugging a baby brought many to almost tears as they spoke of the feeling of hope and unconditional love that comes from a baby and how they poured their hopes and love into them as they held them. When it came to hugging someone they didn’t know, or know well, the experience changed radically. People talked about their judgments and evaluations of the touches they got from others. Many, especially women, would pour judgments and stories into their interpretation of touch, making assumptions about intentions, actions, and meanings behind the touch without verifying the reality.

Listening Through Touch

The next exercise involved one group touching individuals in the other group by just standing behind them and placing their hands upon the other’s shoulders. The lesson was to "listen" to the messages coming through your hands from the other individual. The standing group placed their hands slowly, feeling the texture of their clothing, the tension or relaxation of the muscles under the skin and clothes, and the rhythm of their breathing, just "listening" through their hands to the other person. When they were ready, they could move their hands slowly to another position, rest them, listen through the hands, and then move on.

Hiddai asked those who did the touching how it felt and what did they "hear" or learn from the other person. Many felt resistance, discomfort, and tension. Others felt some relaxation from the other person. Others felt just the clothing and not the person underneath. Some people were able to match the other person’s breathing, while others couldn’t. Those receiving the touch agreed with those who touched them that they felt the same as the "toucher" felt, often a sense of resistance, discomfort, and tension, and a sense of disconnection. For those who felt a connection, there was relaxation and a connectedness.

Hiddai explained that when we touch, we are often doing so one-sided. We usually give touch and not "take" touch in. Rarely do we ever listen through touch to the messages the other person is sending. It is important to redevelop your sense of touch to be aware of the messages received through touch. This awareness give us lots of information such as the other person’s willingness to be touched, how they like to be touched, how they are feeling at the moment, and many more messages.

Touching Animals is Okay – Humans Not

"I often wish I was a dog," Hiddai proclaimed to the group. "They have no fear when it comes to asking for love and touch." He explained how pets are totally free to come up to someone and to press against them, put their head on a lap or against a hand, and to ask for touch and for love from a human without fear of rejection. If they don’t get it, they just move to the next person, and around until they find someone willing to cuddle. Humans are one of the few creatures on this planet with rules regarding touch. "There is a time and a place…" he teased.

Many people give their pets more love than their partners and family members, he went on to explain. There is a freedom which comes from the unconditional love of a pet and many people take advantage of it, making up for the touch so absent in their life.

Trusting Touch

The last exercise the group did was to divide into two lines apart from each other. One group was to walk to the other group, each moving at their own pace dependent upon the "vibes" of the other person and their willingness to receive your touch (hug). Many people just walked right up to the other person and hugged them, completing the exercise as intended, while others walked slowly and really contemplated the other person and their needs. Some of these ended up in hugs, other with hand shakes, others just standing close but apart, sensing the other’s need not to "get too close". One participant was late to the meeting and the woman he was to walk towards called out first that she had to know his name before she could go on with the exercise. "I want to know who I’m going to hug!" She wasn’t comfortable hugging a stranger. When the group shifted down one person to repeat the exercise with a new person, two men lined up and that caused a shift in the process as one man didn’t want to hug another man and some others in the group agreed. This was interesting that men touching men brought up resistance, but women touching women was considered natural. Men touching women first was uncomfortable for many, but women touching men seemed to be okay.

What Does Touch Mean to You?

People had a wide range of reactions to the process and many learned a lot about themselves and their thoughts about touch. Many were jazzed at being hugged so much during the program and actually addressing a sensitive issue for themselves. Some felt a new freedom, released from their self imposed restrictions, to be able to touch and hug people. Others were excited to know that they weren’t the only ones who grew up in a "touchless" home. Most agreed that they needed and wanted more touch in their life and that they had to work on the issues that prevented it. All gained new insights into their usage and feelings about touch.

To contact Hiddai Levi,
Call 972-(0)5-295-7161 in Israel

He is available for a wide range of consultations, trainings, individual massage and touch therapy programs. While Hiddai travels throughout Israel, he is based at Kibbutz Lotan near Eilat, which hosts a wide range of massage, yoga, and holistic programs. They have lovely lodging available and a wide range of tourist and educational services available.


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Touching Clues

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I come from anti-touching stock. Sure, as babies we were hugged and cuddled, coddled and cooed, but then something happened. Maybe it was the changes that occur naturally in children, when the body hair starts to grow and other parts begin to develop. Maybe it was the attitude that came with the new spurts of growth, an attitude that screamed, "LEAVE ME graphic of a mother holding a babyALONE," and the adults complied. I don’t know when the general touching stopped in my family, but it did, condensing itself into random and forced hugs and the occasional pat on the back. Their attitude wasn’t the only one to change. My attitude towards touch started changing about the same time, too.

After a few harsh lessons as a blossoming teenager, touch had to be evaluated. What does he REALLY mean by putting his hand on my shoulder? A business and advertising major in college, I learned how body language and touch can be used to sway a customer or influence a stranger. How the shake of the hand can be used to convey personality. I learned how touch can be used to manipulate.

animated graphic of shaking handsTeaching self defense and rape prevention training, I loved discussing unwanted touching and deciding which kinds of touch are perceived as "acceptable" and which aren’t. Slowly, I started learning that some people tolerate a lot of touching that I find offensive, while others avoid touching at all costs, consciously and unconsciously making decisions about touch based upon their personal experiences. My sensitivity towards touch changed, as did my attitude about touch. I began to see it as a symptom of a greater problem and decided to tackle my issues with touch head on – resolving the underlying issues. From avoiding touch all together, I started to allow more to come into my life. I started with my parents.

Not long graphic of a handbefore I turned 30, I started hugging my parents upon arrival, at least once during the visit, and at the end of the visit. Freaked my father out. Yet, once when I forgot, he reached out and grabbed me in an awkward embrace, squishing me as he squeezed too hard and then pushing me away in his embarrassment. My mother was a different story. After over 20 years in abusive marriages to survive as a strong and single woman, she found my hugs a lifeline in the quicksand of her life. She would hold on extra long as if to make sure it was real.

Meeting my future husband brought me into a new realm of touch. His family are cuddly folks, holding hands, sitting close, scratching and massaging each other’s backs, just happy to be near each other. I’m still learning to be comfortable around that kind of unrestrained touching freedom.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear,
an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential
to turn a life around.
Leo Buscaglia

Coming to Israel brought a new form of touch into my life. Not accustomed to cheek kissing or hugging from strangers, I was immediately suspicious and cautious. Over time I learned that they do this with EVERYONE, not just me.

Spending several weeks in Kibbutz Lotan near Eilat, I enjoyed the solitude while my husband was out chasing birds with his camera. Spoiling myself, I scheduled a different kind of massage each morning with Hiddai Levi, one of the resident specialists at the holistic center. Over time, he challenged me on my concepts about my body and my attitude towards touch. He reminded me of how baby monkeys can die when deprived of touch. "People think we cannot survive without shelter, food, and clothing, but we also cannot survive without touch." I started to examine my attitudes towards touch and where these preconceptions and assumptions came from. This examination led me to some profound understandings of how I came to be "me", again understanding that my reactions to touch are the symptoms not the issue.

Touch is difficult.
Touch is the revolution.
Anne Sexton (1928-1974), U.S. poet. “Letters to Dr. Y…”

Using touch or avoiding touch gives us a tool to control ourselves and others. It is a defensive as well as offensive mechanism. We use it to build walls around ourselves and to push people away. The most important thing we can learn about touch is how we use it to keep us from living our best life.

Just before coming to Israel, I faced a mighty wall of sorrow and grief. At a time when I needed to be held and reassured through touch, my grief was so intense that I pushed my husband away. In retrospect, I ask myself why. I knew relief would come with the hugs and cuddling he is so good at. I didn’t want relief. I wanted to stay in my shell of agony. Why? Maybe those I had lost deserved this pain-filled measure from me to give their life respect and value. In reality I was selfish. For weeks I kept my suffering to myself, a martyr of grief, cutting off my loved ones so I could stand alone in the supremacy of my misery. This hurt my loved ones who wanted to "be there" for me. They wanted to share their grief, not hoard it. I stayed on my side of the bed wrapped in a blanket of myself and my pain, ignoring everyone. The longer I stayed there, the harder it was to come out.

I know I am not alone in using touch as a tool, maybe even a weapon. Talking to Holocaust survivors in Israel and America, I hear many stories of self protection by avoidance of touch and other emotional sensations.

graphic of someone comforting anotherMost importantly, I’ve learned that touch is the symptom, and it can be the cure. The first time I underwent surgery as a teenager, I remember coming out of anesthesia in a panic, feeling desperately alone. In a haze of pale blue and white, a nurse held my outstretched hand as I struggled through my recovery. Days later, the nurse laughed about how I almost broke his hand. "It was like you were drowning and I was the only thing holding you up." I was embarrassed to tell him that he was right. All I needed was someone to hold my hand and I was okay. Such a simple thing, but so incredibly vital at the time.

graphic of people holding hands around the worldHow do you use touch in your life? Are these methods a symptom of something bigger? The program for March’s Life Makeover monthly meeting will feature Hiddai Levi who will discuss these aspects of touch and give us some tools, mental and physical, in order to learn how to use touch in our lives for our own survival and to help us live the best life we can.


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Active and Reflective Listening

This meeting was very exciting and here is a summary of the program for those who missed out.

Active Listening – Are You Being Heard?

graphic of an earActive listening is traditionally considered a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. Many have come to think of it as structured conversation, where one person talks and then the listener gives feedback or summarizes what is being said. As we work to improve the quality of our lives, active listening means "actively" listening, not just role playing. It means to really hear what is being said, not just the words, but working through to the deeper meaning, by which you enrich the relationship between each other.

In the traditional school of active listening, the benefits of active listening include:

  • People choose to focus and concentrate on the speaker.
  • They avoid misunderstandings as people confirm what they hear.
  • It gets people to say more and it helps them to open up more.

Here is what I believe active listening really does for you:

  • You learn to focus and concentrate
  • You learn to live in the moment – to be present
  • You can learn more about others, as well as learn more about yourself
  • You seek confirmation to clarify what you are learning from the other person
  • You learn to live and communicate at a deeper level
  • You learn to hear not just what is being said, but what is being felt
  • You learn to trust others and yourself

In exercises, we broke the group up into pairs, with people they didn’t know well. For the first exercise, one person spoke and the other was to listen without comment. For many, it was hard to just listen. Some people wanted to jump in with their own stories, or to ask questions, others to interrupt and guide the conversation. Others had a hard time staying focused on the speaker, their brain off and running somewhere else. Many faced the most difficult challenge of all, anticipating and predicting the end of the story.

All of us have a life history that brought us to where we are. When we hear similar or related experiences, we often jump to conclusions as to where the story is going. Since we already know the end, why should we mentally hang around to hear it? Listening actively means being in the moment, to focus and concentrate on what is being said, and to uncover the meaning behind the words and emotions driving the story. Prejudging a story before it is over is little different than prejudging the person before they even open their mouth.

graphic of the word assume - when you assume you make an ass out of u and meI long time ago I learned a little English saying about assumptions that has stayed with me. It says that when you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME. Cute, but true. Living in the moment and listening to the story, opening yourself up to the flow of the story and the process of the story-telling, you never know what insights you will learn or experience as the speaker moves through a story which maybe different from your experiences or which may challenge or change your attitude on the subject. As you listen, be aware of the assumptions you make in order to get past yourself and your judgments to open yourself up to the other person and their stories and feelings.

Surrounded by many semi-fluent English speakers, I’ve learned to help them fill in a word they are struggling over. This involves careful listening to the flow of the conversation so I’m ready to help them say the word when they stumble. I am constantly challenging myself to not graphic of two heads, as a puzzle, fitting togetherassume what it is they want to say, as they scramble with their limited vocabulary and experimenting with words in order to get their thoughts out. It is a battle for me to become a platform for them to trip around on instead of a dominating, overcorrecting commander.

In our program exercises, the experiences for the speakers were also interesting. Some enjoyed being "heard", some for the first time. Others felt nervous and said they were felt the listener couldn’t possibly be interested in what they had to say. Many felt uncomfortable as the only one talking, waiting for some response to lead them to the next sentence, running out of words without the other’s guidance.

We discussed the physical characteristics of a good listener. The listener leaned in, some moved even closer to hear what was being said. Others cocked their heads, didn’t fidget, and looked like they were concentrating and paying attention continuously. All agreed that eye-contact was important. A couple of speakers mentioned they had a hard time meeting the eyes of the listener because they felt inadequate or guilty about what they were talking about. The topic was the book, Life Makeovers, and doing the assignments within the book. Those who hadn’t been reading the book or doing their homework felt the guilt of their inaction and it came out through a physical avoidance of the eyes.

Reflective Listening

Learning how to listen and how to be heard is important, as is learning how to provide feedback to keep the conversation going and to take it to a deeper level. The second exercise involved one person speaking and being listened to, but at the end of the time, the listener would have to sum up what they heard. More than summarize, they were to look deeper than mere words. Their summation was to be a reflection back of the feelings and the purpose behind the speech, not a verbatim summation.

Most of the people felt the summation was right on, and a few people summarized by offering their opinions or advice, which wasn’t in the rules. Not that this is right or wrong. It is natural to turn a conversation around from you to ME. Most of us get carried away with "I want to talk about ME!" The exercise was a test on leaving "me" out of the conversation.

This process is called "reflective listening". Here are some guidelines:

THINGS TO DO: THINGS TO NOT DO:
Appreciate their talents
Care about what is being said
Hear the story behind the words
Find the purpose of the story according to the speaker
Consider the person’s feelings and reasons
Go deeper
Expand the conversation and relationship
Ask leading questions like "tell me more about…" and "How do you feel about…"
Assume the outcome
Offer advice
Interrogate (question sharply or harshly)
Evaluate or judge the person or the situation
Minimize or trivialize the person’s feelings or concerns
Analyze the person or situation
Turn the conversation to yourself
Jump topics

It has been said that an idea is worth nothing unless it is communicated. Leaders are people who make ideas come alive through communication skills. All of these skills are not inherent or come in the chromosomes. They are learned, developed, and practiced over time.

What Makes Good Conversationalists?

Think back to those few people who influenced you and had a great impact on your life. Think about the friends, family, mentors, teachers, the people who took time out from their life to make you feel important. How would you describe the communication between you? Was it meaningful, empathetic, or inspirational? Did you feel like they were connecting to your soul or sprit with their words? Did it feel almost telepathic they way they knew exactly what you needed to hear at that moment? In a close relationship, words flow almost without effort, and sometimes without even the words. There is a deeper understanding.

Where does this connection come from? Is it because of them or ourselves? Is it because we are exceptional at expressing ourselves in words and body language that we are understood so sincerely? Or is it because we are masters at listening, being open to the moment and experience shared with another? Naturally both qualities are important, but don’t forget that God gave you two ears and one mouth and you should use them in that proportion. The chances are that those who influenced us the most were powerful listeners, hearing the deeper meaning behind what we said and when they spoke, we listened.

Whether instinctively or through the development of their listening skills, they have developed the skill of empathy. A researcher from Maine, Dr. Marisue Pickering, identified four characteristics of empathetic listeners.

  • Desire to be other-directed, rather than to project one’s own feelings and ideas onto the other. [This means that the listener puts the other person first without judgment or assumptions about the story or the story-teller.]
  • Desire to be non-defensive, rather than to protect the self. When the self is being protected, it is difficult to focus on another person. [When you let down your barriers, the walls of self protection, you open yourself up to really hearing what the other person is saying and you can invite lessons into your life based upon their experiences.]
  • Desire to imagine the roles, perspectives, or experiences of the other, rather than assuming they are the same as one’s own. [This is living vicariously through the other person, learning about their experiences and lessons without grouping them with your own. This is another opportunity to learn through others.]
  • Desire to listen as a receiver, not as a critic, and desire to understand the other person rather than to achieve either agreement from or change that person. [Imagine yourself as a great sponge-like microphone through which another projects her story. It is not your job to agree or disagree, or to fix the person or the problem. There is a big difference between acceptance and agreement.]

Burden Put Upon the Speaker

As we focus more on the listener in active and reflective listening, inherently there arises a burden upon the speaker to make sure they are saying something interesting and worth hearing. Everyone needs to be heard, but it is also the responsibility of the speaker to provide meaningful information not just wasted breath.

Consider the dos and don’ts associated with active and reflective listening and see if any of these apply to your speaking habits. Do you tend to stay focused and on topic or does your conversation style jump around leaving incomplete thoughts and sentences dangling? We tend to love the sound of our own voice, so are you talking just to make noise or do you have a point to your story? Do you feel like you just "have" to share a story for the sake of talking or is the story really important enough to be heard? What is the purpose and deeper meaning behind your story? What emotions are you expressing through your story? Just because you had trouble catching the bus doesn’t mean we have to hear the whole story of how much trouble it was to catch the bus. The key points may suffice. Consider the importance of what you have to say to other people. Do they need to hear this? Is it appropriate for the time and place and the emotional state you both are in? Can it wait?

Is your mind racing ahead of your words so you can be ready to speak when there is a pause, not even listening to the responses? Conversation can be challenging when you are focused on what you are going to say rather than on what is being said.

Do you talk to make yourself feel good or look good? Do you talk the way you do to make yourself look more important to the listener? Do you tend to put others down when you talk? Do you tend to use a lot of "I" statements?

Do you play the game of one-upmanship? If someone tells a story, do you have to tell a better story? Does the competitive spirit goad you to tell an even bigger story, because whatever happened to you must be better or worse than what happened to them?

Consider the responsibilities you have as the speaker and the role you play within a conversation. Do you allow equal time for listening and speaking? As you talk, are you really listening? And consider if it is really more important for you to be heard than to hear others.

Personal Moments

About a month after Brent and I were married, I paused in my fussing around the apartment to remind him about an event we had scheduled. "You didn’t tell me about that," resentment creased his face.

"Yes, I did. I told you about it two weeks ago."

His face crumpled and he moved away. I followed him into the bedroom, determined to figure out what was going on. He sat on the bed, tears seeping down his face. "What’s wrong?"

"It is so important for me to hear you, to really listen to you. I can’t imagine not hearing every word you say, and now you tell me that I wasn’t listening to you."

I was so surprised. Raised by a family of non-listeners, one of my fundamental beliefs is that what I have to say isn’t worth hearing. Now I am married a man who values my every word. "Honey, married people do this all the time. There are so many words flying around that they all can’t be heard."

He grabbed my hands. "That’s not true. I want to listen and hear everything you have to say. I want you to really listen to me, too. The rest of the world might not listen to us, but we have to listen to each other. I promise that I will work harder on listening to you and remembering what you tell me. You are that important to me."

We did work on it, but a few years later, as "take for granted" seeped in, Brent lost his temper about my listening habits. "When I start talking, you leave the room."

Stunned, I realized that I had been perpetuating my mother’s behavior of fussing around, starting the conversation in one room and then finishing it two rooms later. All my life I would follow her from room to room asking, "What did you say?" She would get frustrated repeating herself, yet every time she would get to the part I missed, she would walk out of the room again. My mother is hyperactive, never sitting still for long. I was behaving the same way with my husband and best friend.

I fight with this lifelong habit every day. Brent now stops talking when I leave the room, a clue to me about my selfish behavior. I am constantly battling with the importance of listening to him and the reality of all the stuff I have to do. The stuff usually seems more important at the time, but in reality it is just another excuse to avoid intimacy and trust that comes with focused, concentrated listening.

How are you using your listening skills in your life? Are you using techniques that lift your life to a higher level, improving the quality of your life and others? Or are you using them as self-defense mechanisms, avoiding deep relationships and intimacy? Don’t forget, you don’t do anything without a reason. If you don’t stop to look at your reasons, you are missing some valuable lessons.


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Pursuing Your Passion – Getting Out of Your Own Way

Due to the overwhelming response by those who attended the last meeting, here is a summary of the topic presented: "Finding Your Passion, Part II".


In many of the lessons found in Cheryl Richardson’s book, Life Makeovers, she reiterates the point that once you have set a goal, made a decision, and taken a step forward in your life – the universe tends to step in and place barriers in your way. What do some of these barriers look like and what does it take to get through them?

In my essay on "Learning and Living Against the Odds", I talked about the challenges of good intensions, specifically involved weight loss. All of the issues that get in the way of our "good intention" to lose weight are barriers, or, as I like to call them, little stabbing, sabotaging arrows that inflict pain upon our good intentions. Here are a few of the "sabotaging arrows" highlighted at the last meeting when facing the goal to lose weight:
graphic representing our big arrow of good intension attacked by the smaller arrows of self sabotage, graphic by Lorelle VanFossen

  • Food Confrontation: Food is everywhere you look.
  • Peer pressure: Friends urge you to eat, saying you that you don’t need to diet, etc. You suddenly get invited to a lot of dinners.
  • Self-doubt: Can I really do this? Is it possible? Aren’t I okay as I am?
  • Family: Oh, You’re fine the way you are. You’ve always been big boned.
  • Eating Out: (form of peer pressure) Eating out is special, so eat all you can. You must eat what they serve you.
  • Denial: You can’t say no. It won’t work.
  • Procrastination: I’ll start tomorrow.
  • Loss of Control: I can’t do it. It’s too much. Overwhelming.
  • Expectations:High: I can lose 100 kilos in three weeks. Low: It’ll never work.
  • Lack of Information: I don’t know how to do it. I think I know, but I’m not sure.
  • Will Power/Temptation: Just for tonight, I’ll… Once won’t hurt much.
  • Media: Food is everywhere. Skinny people are everywhere.
  • Time: There just isn’t enough time. I don’t have time to eat right. This is a waste of time. It takes too long.
  • Energy: I’m so tired, some food will pep me up. Exercise is exhausting. It’s too hard.
  • Money: Dieting is expensive. Exercise is expensive.

These arrows sabotage our good intentions, our goal, our wants and desires. They shoot us down, sometimes even before we get started. What does it take to overcome these sabotaging arrows?

  • Choice: You have to make a conscious, clear commitment, not a wishy-washy "I would kinda sorta like to lose some weight." Say clearly: "I will lose 20 kilos by June."
  • Determination: In addition to making a choice, you have to have the will to keep on keeping on.
  • Persistence: Going against the efforts of the universe to stop you in your tracks is hard work. You have to keep at it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute.
  • Courage/Risk: To make your goal come true, there are times when you just have to jump off the cliff, climb the mountain, and cross the river. You have to face your fears and plow through them to get to your goal.
  • Inspiration/Motivation: Along the way, seek out methods to keep you going. Do you like good quotes or saying, positive books, and/or music? Surround yourself with positive reinforcement using all of your senses including sight, sound and smell.
  • Faith: Faith comes from many sources: Faith in a greater purpose or being in life, faith in yourself, faith in your goal. Faith means feeding your spirit as you reach for your goals. Faith moves more than just mountains; it can move you.
  • Support: Surround yourself with compassionate people who want you to succeed. Look to them when weakness strikes or when you need to celebrate. Learn how to ask for help and support.
  • Patience: Realize that all good things are worth waiting for. Some things just take time. Plan for that time.
  • The Plan/Map: You rarely plan a trip to a place you’ve never been before without some kind of a map and/or guide book. Create your own plan and map to chart your course. Stick to the path. And don’t forget to schedule in some pit stops or rewards along the way for congratulating yourself as you reach high points along your course.

All of these tools, and others you may come up with, will help you create a huge arrow that will bulldoze through the sabotaging arrows coming from the opposite direction.

How Can I Make This Work for Myself?

Don’t have a weight problem? Feel like this doesn’t apply to you? We chose weight loss as it is one of the most common goals people choose and have the most trouble accomplishing. What is your own personal goal and dream you want to achieve but can’t get there because life gets in the way? You can replace the topic of “weight loss” with anything. Let’s do it with the powerful goal of:

LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE

What gets in the way of you living your best life? What stops you from moving forward with your passion and living each day to its fullest? Here are some of the sabotaging arrows the group came up with:

  • Peer pressure: Friends don’t understand. They say you don’t need to change anything. Others aren’t doing this, why should I?
  • Self-doubt: Can I really do this? Is it possible? Aren’t I okay as I am?
  • Family: Oh, You’re fine the way you are. What do you think you are doing? Who do you think you are?
  • Procrastination: I’ll start tomorrow.
  • Denial: You can’t say no (to everything and everyone else except yourself).
  • Expectations:High: I will rule the world in two weeks. Low: It’ll never work.
  • Lack of Information: I don’t know how to do it. I think I know, but I’m not sure.
  • Loss of Control: I can’t do it. It’s too much. Overwhelming.
  • Will Power/Temptation: Why bother?
  • Keeping Up With the Joneses: Too much time spent trying to make money, be successful, famous, etc., and no time to pay attention to myself.
  • Media: Everyone else is better than me. Why should I try? It’s easier for "them".
  • Time: There just isn’t enough time. I don’t have time. This is a waste of time. It takes too long.
  • Energy: I’m so tired. It is hard work and exhausting. It’s just too hard.
  • Money: Living my best life is expensive. Living my best life won’t make money.

Sound familiar? Create your own list of the things that are getting in the way of you living your best life. The larger your sabotaging list is, the more solid your second list should be. You need to create a strong "good intentions" arrow to plow through your sabotaging list. Have you really made a clear choice about your "best life"? Have you created a plan and designed a good map, and set up a reward system? Have you surrounded yourself with the inspiration to keep the faith and the support to cheer you on? With these things, you can find the determination, persistence, patience, and the willingness to risk that will keep you on track to attain your goal.

Facing the Wall

Watching the first day of the Winter Olympics, as a long time skier of both downhill and cross-country, I enjoy watching the women’s cross-country 15m race. Italian skier Stefania Belmondo, a favorite in the race, broke her ski pole at the 10.5 km mark and it looked like the end for her. Having been at the front, she quickly fell back into the pack. I watched the other women chugging their way along the challenging marathon course as they plunged up and down the hills of snow in extraordinarily cold temperatures, their breath barely having enough time to turn white before it was sucked back in. What stamina! What massive endurance training these women must go through.

graphic of a penguin skiingReplacing her lost pole with one from her coach, Belmondo faced the backs of her fellow marathoners, an intimidating view to say the least. Within moments, she plowed her way into the pack in front of her, a valiant effort. Just before the 14 km mark, the two women in front poured on the steam, battling for first place. So did Belmondo from deep in the pack behind. Moving at an incredible pace, Belmondo not only surged out in front, she crossed the finish line way ahead of her Russian rival, Larisa Lazutina, in a stunning display of strength and determination. I went crazy, jumping up and down and crying in my living room.

Athletes, especially those who do any kind of marathon and endurance work, learn to pace themselves. They also learn about something very critical to their success. They learn about the "wall".

Familiar to many of us as the shooting pain in our side, the gasping painfully for breath, and the overwhelming urge to quit, the wall is faced by marathoners during every run. They, too, gasp for breath, their bodies screaming in pain and their brains shouting "STOP!" Yet, they learn to go through the wall because the stuff on the other side is worth the pain and suffering. On the other side is the "second wind". The breathing eases, and the pain drops away as endorphin and other chemicals relaxes and "numbs" the body. They can concentrate on their rhythm and pay attention to their surroundings and not their agonized bodies. What stops most people from successful endurance training is the fear of the pain and agony before the wall. Athletes learn to embrace their pain, to go through the fear to the other side.

Courage is not the absence of fear,
but rather the judgment that something else
is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon

Life itself is a marathon. You have to pace yourself as you go. When you encounter a wall, you have to choose to go through it. Our fears include thoughts that keep us from losing weight or living our best life, or whatever our goals, dreams, passion, or purpose are. Our fears get in our way and we need to build a huge arrow to break through the wall.

What would happen if you did indeed choose to live every day as if you were living your best life? What would it look like to really live your best life? I asked participants what they get by going through the wall and what they get by staying on "this side" of the wall.

Going Through the Wall Looking at the Wall
More energy
More enthusiasm
More happiness
Contentment
Self-satisfaction
Confidence
Hope
Feel good
Better relationships (with self/others)
Like/Love myself
Safe
Less risk
Known territory
No changes
Comfortable
No improvements
Feels the same
Often feel angry/disappointed
Safe
Maybe boring

When I think about Stefania Belmondo, I consider the fears that smacked into her "good intentions" when she felt her ski pole break. She saw her dream of winning fly out the window. Her reputation, her income, her future dreams, everything went bye-bye. A bystander handed her a pole to keep her skiing, selfishly helping her, but it was too short. She kept struggling on until her coach finally handed her a new one. Inside, she gathered together all the scattered pieces of her competitive spirit. She looked at the wall of bodies ahead of her, and probably visualized all the bricks in her wall of fear. This wall of fear might have consisted of all the people who told her she would never make it, that she wasn’t good enough, that this was a waste of time, a lost cause, and a lost dream, it’s too late…and other huge bricks in the way may have represented her loss of energy, focus and concentration. She looked at that huge wall and turned herself into a giant arrow of intention. She gathered together her determination, courage, risk-taking, persistence, faith, motivation, and planning skills and made the choice. She smashed through her personal wall of fear, and the wall of competitors, leaving them behind in the blowing snow of her blinding pace.

Look at the walls facing you in your life. Some maybe huge, others small. Maybe it is the fear of making a decision about your job, or maybe it is deciding whether or not to clean your bedroom. Look at the choices on each side of the wall. Sure, staying on this side of the wall is safe, but look at all the good things on the other side. What is stopping you from plowing through that wall? Belmondo believed she deserved nothing less than the gold medal. What do you believe you deserve? Are you getting it?


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Life Makeovers – Pursuing Your Passion

At the last meeting, we discussed ways of finding your passion. Remember, passion comes in many forms. It provides us with keys to our heart. The power of passion will provide you with the fuel to enjoy a new hobby, create a new career, and do something that serves others in a very powerful way.

I believe that many people are living their passion already, but they just don’t realize it. A passion is a powerful force and the universe thrives on such energy, so it is highly likely that in some way your passion is all around you and you just have to play a little "Sherlock Holmes" to discover it. Let me share with you Ruth Alfi’s story which she shared at the last meeting.

As a young child, Ruth felt she was ugly. Her mother died when she was nine, leaving Ruth to care for eight brothers and sisters, and her father wasn’t the most encouraging of souls. Moving her family to a kibbutz to help care for the children, Ruth felt unloved, unwanted, and ugly. Her move into the teenage years didn’t help. As in most fairy tales, the ugly duckling grew into a stunning woman often mistaken for Elizabeth Taylor. Yet, inside, Ruth was still the awkward, unwanted duckling. Her move into the cosmetology industry was a try at finding her own unacknowledged beauty, but it also came from the need to help others find their own beauty. For more than 30 years, Ruth has been bringing beauty out in people as a top cosmetologist, working in California, Africa, France, England, and finally coming home to Israel.

Consider this for a definition of passion:
Passion is focused energy
that turns the light on in your soul.

When I asked her what she thought her passion was, like most of us, she had no idea. As I got to know her better, it was clear exactly what her passion was, but still she didn’t see it. One day she called me up all excited. She had been working with a young teenager for many months with terrible acne and skin problems. In addition to working on her skin, Ruth had started a slow campaign to get the girl to eat. Unable to deal with the stress of her family life and school, exacerbated by the hormones, the girl had become extremely anorexia. "She told me this morning she had gained weight and was actually proud of it!" she practically yelled into the phone. As she spoke, I could see her standing next to her desk, formal in her white clinic jacket, but dancing around, her eyes sparkling and her hands waving in the air. When she calmed down, I told her that this was her passion. Stunned, she thought about it and proclaimed that indeed it was.

"All my life I thought I was ugly. I felt that nobody loved me. When I work with these girls, I tell them over and over again that I love them and that they are beautiful, using my words and my work, until they begin to believe it themselves. You are right! This is my passion! I have been living my passion my whole life!" While her work is not limited to teenagers, this is indeed where her heart lies, healing the teenager inside of her while she heals the teenagers around her.

Teaching self defense and sexual assault prevention for women is a big part of my own personal passion, which is making a difference in the world around me. Last night was the first night of the six week class and a magical joy filled me as I stood in a circle with the women in the class, our hands in tight fists ready to punch out the invisible but well know assailants in our lives. I felt such anticipation, a vibrating rush of adrenaline, hot and cold and yet a radiant warmth. Afterwards, when my husband met me at the door of our apartment, he stood there with a smile on his face, seeing the glow in my own. He held out his arms for a hug and said, "Come here, my self-defense destructor," his joke play on words for self defense "instructor". I don’t know who gets more of a kick out of watching me live my life’s passion: me or Brent. Such is the joy you can bring into your life when you begin to live your life to its fullest, living your passion.

Now that Ruth has realized what her passion is, she is doing what she has always done, her job, with a new energy and vitality. Are you living your passion? What is it about what you are doing with your life that makes you feel good? Is it your work, a hobby, a volunteer effort? What are the characteristics about it that makes you feel good? What keeps you doing it? Take a look at the clues around you that you have been living your passion, in some form or another.

It’s no good running a pig farm
badly for thirty years while saying,
‘Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.’
By that time, pigs will be your style.
Quentin Crisp

Cheryl Richardson offered several tips to help you find your passion:

Play Detective:
You only need to pay attention to the clues that surround you each day. Consider these examples:

  • Books – Take a moment and check out your bookcase. Books will provide many clues about what inspires you most.
  • News – Look for patterns in what you are drawn to in the newspapers, certain kinds of stories that pulls at your heartstrings or fills you with triumphant hope.
  • Movies – What movies have inspired you? Are there certain movies that you watch over and over again? Why? Once again, look for common themes.
  • Scrapbooks or Memory Boxes — What clues to your passion have you kept locked away in a storage place? Are their clues to things you once were passionate about stuck in scrapbooks or boxes with memorabilia. Why not clean a closet, attic or two and see what clues you find from your past?
  • Passionate People – Who are the passionate people in your life? Is there someone you can think of, right now, who inspires your passion?
  • Service – Have you overcome a major challenge in your life? Could you use this knowledge and experience to serve others? Being there for those in need can be a powerful way to experience passion.
Brainstorming Sessions:
One of the best ways to determine your first steps and search through the possibilities is by calling upon the wisdom of others. A brainstorming session will give you new ideas, great resources and plenty of energy to get started. Use your small groups to do some serious brainstorming.
Pay attention to the clues
Notice your intuition, the hints and clues within yourself. Trust a hunch to call a certain person, a surprise suggestion from a friend, or a great idea that you stumble upon in a magazine. Act on these clues – they will open doors to your next step!

The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Learning and Living Against the Odds

FEAR OF SUCCESS:
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson of the television show, The Simpsons, has it a little backwards, but for many of us, this rings true. Our fear of success, whatever that looks like, often keeps us from moving forward because we just KNOW we will fail, so why bother in the first place. How many times have you thought a good thought, a motivating and power thought, and then did nothing about it because the doing was just "too much"? How many of you have procrastinated about doing your homework or calling the members of your group? Feel intimidated by the full group of six? Is this just too much? Do you often feel that way in your life?

Take a moment and look at what is stopping you from even trying. Does the thought of calling all the people in your group intimidate you? Pick up your phone bill and see how many people you talk to every day for a reality check. How many phone calls do you get? How many people do you talk to every day? If it is the issue that six people in your group is too much, then consider calling them and discussing this. Maybe some of the others feel that six is too many. Discuss it and maybe break up into smaller groups. Or is it that the time commitment is too much? Since you are just getting started, how do you know how much time this will really take? New things always take more time at first, becoming faster and easier as you go along. Just make an appointment with yourself to do it and allot a certain amount of justifiable time for it and see how it fits in your schedule. Look at your choices and options and choose what will work best for you to help you get motivated and going forward.

Internal Goals

The assignment for week two is to come up with an "internal goal", a goal associated with improving the inside you. What characteristic or quality do you need to work on? The challenge seems to come in writing a personal, positive, present tense affirmation.

A personal, positive, present tense affirmation is a sentence that describes your internal goal in a way that is a statement. It needs to be clear and concise so it will be easily remembered. The first idea is usually something that says, "I want to be more organized in my life." A "want" implies wishing rather than doing, so we can change this to be more positive by saying, "I am more organized in my life." Does this sound like something personal, like a real commitment? Not really.

What does "getting more organized" really mean? Maybe deep down it means you procrastinate a lot, putting things off. Maybe the internal goal you really need to work on is your issue with procrastination rather than just organizing yourself. Look deeper for the real internal goal you need to work on.

How do you turn procrastination and getting organized into a positive affirmation? This one happens to be my internal goal and after a couple weeks of playing with different affirmation statements, I came up with the winner. I say it in my head whenever I start a project or slow down with one. It keeps me going and as a byproduct, I become more organized, more efficient, and not so distracted and frantic all the time. My affirmation is:

I am a person who completes things.

You can use this if your issue is procrastination, or come up with your own, but make sure that the affirmation is a statement, is something you can "own", it is short and simple and easy to remember, and it feels RIGHT.

Talk to your small group to help you come up with affirmation ideas and suggestions for taking the next "action steps".

The assignment for week three is "Finding Your Lost Self". Cheryl Richardson writes about how many people feel like something is missing in their life. They’ve lost their way or lack the sense of purpose and meaning in their lives. For many of us, recent events in the world have changed USA, our thinking and our choices in life. What once was important may seem trivial now. Even without the Life Makeover process, many people are changing their priorities and evaluating what is really important in life.

Part of "finding your lost self" involves connecting with your "inner self". Cheryl says that in order to find the "something" that seems to be missing, you need to invest time in getting to know your inner self. When people make an investment in the stock market or a business, they research the potential before they hand over their money. Consider yourself an "investment" and do some research into "you". You might just find something worth investing in.

Life Lessons

Gary Zukav, author of "Seat of the Soul", talks about the philosophic belief that everyone is a student in the school of life. Therefore, everything that happens to us is a lesson. I’m hearing from a lot of you about how exciting this process is and how much you are getting out of it. I’m also hearing about how you really don’t like the journal writing, the home work is too hard or difficult to understand, your small group has people you are uncomfortable with, or the time and day of the meetings don’t work for you. Imagine that you are a student in the school of life and each of these issues has the gift of a lesson.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
You seek problems because you need their gifts.
Richard Bach from Illusions

How you respond to the challenges in this process is no different than how you respond to challenges of day-to-day living. Are you someone who jumps without looking? Do you say yes to everything and then regret it? Do you find yourself whining about a lot of things? Do you like to do things that look easy, but the moment they get hard, do you want out? We all have excuses in our life that we repeat over and over again. This kind of thinking becomes a habit.

Ask yourself if the feelings are familiar. Do you recognize them? Is this a pattern you’ve repeated? Are you listening to old tapes running in your head? Then ask yourself if this way of dealing with things works for you. We all get really good at justifying our feelings, but now we are in the process of making over our lives and re-evaluating whether or not the methods are really working for you. Maybe they actually stop you from moving forward in your life.

Before you make a decision about any issue you are having with this process or your life, take time to examine the reason behind the feelings. There are lessons to be found there. Open the book of your life and invest in some research into the inner "you." You might find someone worth investing in.

What is Stopping You: Self-Sabotage

In the last paragraph of this week’s assignment, Cheryl writes, "Remember that as soon as you schedule this time, chances are pretty good that someone will challenge your commitment. Stay strong!" In a self Good intentions are the big arrows that get shot down by all the small ones which keep us from our goal.improvement program I attended many years ago, they used a graphic similar to the one enclosed called "Good Intentions Go to War". It features your "good intention" as one large arrow heading out into the world with all the commitment and energy you have to make it work. Then a million tiny arrows attack you from the opposite direction, trying to shoot down your good intention. We start out with the best intentions and then we start shooting ourselves in the foot right away. For example, if you decide to lose weight, doesn’t it seem like you are suddenly surrounded by food? Everywhere we go there are donuts and candies just begging to be relished.

As you start to make changes in your life, all kinds of little arrows of self-sabotage will fling itself into your life. As soon as you schedule some time in your life to do some things for yourself, the kids or grandkids will get sick, a ton of work will fall upon your desk, friends will call wanting to visit, or current events glue you to the television. Life just seems to nag at you, urging you to give in and give up. Hang in there.

When I started exercising and losing weight, the little sabotaging arrows flew at my good intention on the second day. Little voices popped up everywhere telling me that I couldn’t do it, it wouldn’t work, it took too much time, it was a waste of time…all kinds of things. I kept going against the flood of arrows. So the arrows got smarter. After a couple of weeks they started in with "So, you miss a day. So what. There’s always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…" and "You’ve been working hard. A few cookies won’t hurt you." I reinforced my arrow of good intention with bullet-proof shields and kept on going. Every day I had to remind myself of the bigger picture and the long term goal, setting smaller ones all along the way. Walk to the beach and back for a couple weeks, then add a 20 minute swim. A couple weeks later, change the route to make it longer. A week later add another 10 minutes to the swim. Then I started thinking about a hiking trip to Switzerland. A bigger goal to work towards, I always challenge myself to go just a little further, making the process more of an adventure, and resisting the tiny arrows of self-sabotage.

As you go through this process and set your good intention arrow in place, you will be targeted by self-sabotaging tiny arrows. It’s okay. It is part of the process. Just keep going. If you don’t finish your homework this week, finish it next week and still do that week’s assignment. If you can’t make a small group meeting, stay in touch by phone and make it to the next meeting. Keep working at it. Recharge your reasons to keep going and bullet-proof your good intentions.


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Journal Writing

There is something about a blank page that seems to lock up the imagination and still the pen in hand. Writing in a journal is a challenge. Everyone has their own reason NOT to write. What is yours? Is it the challenge of expressing your inner feelings? Is it the fear of someone else reading it? Is it that you just don’t know what to write? Consider writing in your journal another life lesson. Look at your reasons for not writing in a journal. Do you usually have trouble expressing your feelings? Are you sensitive about privacy issues? Look deeper and uncover the real reasons. Then decide what to do about them.

Animated graphic of writing in a journal.In week four of her book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson shares the life lessons she’s learned and the changes in her life that come from her journal writing. For me, as a child I found that I had a friend in my diary that I could write to. I didn’t have to write pretty or properly, or even nicely. I could share all my feelings, dreams, wishes, frustrations, anything I wanted with my imaginary friend who lived in the pages of my diary. As a teenager, I couldn’t express my hormonal angst in public, but I could on paper. As my life moved into college and the busy life style we all fall into, writing for the joy of it was replaced by writing term papers, essays, reports, and all kinds of writing for work but not fun. It took many years to again find the joy in jotting down my thoughts on paper. I still battle for time to just sit and write. So I have to make an appointment for some quiet time to sit down and write every day.

When I consider the challenge of writing down my thoughts on paper, I think of the famous diaries and journals of Edison, Freud, Leonardo DaVinci, and various presidents and rulers. Some of the most famous, successful and creative people in the world’s history kept journals or diaries. Some of the not so famous people who became famous because of their diaries, like Anne Frank, changed the world in their small way by their simple words written on paper. These words bring us great insights into humanity and how these great people faced the challenges of their every day life as well as the greater challenges that changed the world. One of the most popular movies and books, "Bridget Jones’ Diary", is about 12 months in the life of a young woman and her desperate attempts to improve herself and her love life, and finally realizing at the end that "success awaits those who are content to simply be themselves." (CNN Review) While visiting the Shrine of the Book in Jerusalem recently, I realized that a lot of the Dead Sea Scrolls are just journals about the little known day to day life of the people of the area. Certainly my little thoughts are of less value than those of Edison, Lincoln, and others, but we don’t know who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls and their value today is immeasurable. I may not be writing for future generations to analyze my words and lifestyle, but I am writing to help me get in touch with who I am and what I am doing with this life.

For those unaccustomed to putting their thoughts on paper, Cheryl makes the journal writing process fairly easy. Each week she offers questions in the action steps section for you to consider. Just jot the question down and the answer and you’ve done your work. If you feel like writing more, then do so. If this is really challenging for you, then consider your journal a notebook where you can jot down ideas and notes rather than rambling sentences. As you go through this process, it’s good to go back and check your notes as reminders of what you were thinking of "back then" and use your notes as a measurement of how your thinking has changed over time. For example, next year, if you again write down 25 accomplishments, it would be nice to compare it to the 25 you struggled to come up with 12 months before.

Remember, you are asking yourself to commit to this process for a short time. When you finish, you can never write in another journal if you want. For now, just give it a try and see what happens. Practice might make perfect, but it certainly does make it easier over time.


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

What’s Draining You?

In Week 6 of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson discusses the concept of energy drains and invites you to take action to stop up the drains in your life. When I look around my desk and computer right now, I can see piles of energy drains everywhere: stuff I’ve put off, papers I need to file, work that needs doing, half finished projects awaiting attention, letters needing responses, all within just a meter around me. When I step away from my computer there are other energy drains like the needs of my family, the dirty dishes in the sink, a house that needs cleaning, and other people and things that seem to want more of me than I can really give. All of these things seem to hook their power lines into me. Instead of charging me, they are sucking away my energy.

Animated icon of a trash canWhat are you hanging onto in your life? What seems to be constantly tugging at your sleeve? At our first meeting, Lucy Laketer shared her Cosmic Pick quote that read, "What you resist, persists!" She had been agonizing over a project at work that she really didn’t want to do. For weeks it sat on her desk until it seemed to create its own persona, staring over her shoulder while she worked, taking up space on her desk with its presence, and making her feel guilty and tense every time she came near her desk. We all have these things around us that seem to take on their own personality that would go away if we only dealt with them.

Cheryl explains that when you "finally let go of the past or handle the items that cause you anxiety, that action alone can have a dramatic positive impact on your life." When I started this process, I realized that I didn’t have to be superwoman. I hired someone to come in every two weeks to clean my house thoroughly. Hand-washing our clothing for months, I finally figured out how to have it picked up and washed, delivered to my door all clean and folded. The discovery of grocery delivery here…well, I will probably miss that the most when I leave! My husband often works 12 hour days, so instead of trying to fix a dinner at nine at night, we agreed to have our main meal for lunch and only warm some veggies up in the late evenings, which eased the stress level of fixing food and eating so late. Obsessed with email for YEARS, I used to check it every few hours. I finally decided to only check it once a day, then finally every other day unless I had a project in the works. I hadn’t realized it took so much of my time and energy!

These small things suddenly freed up more time that I could dedicate to more constructive things like my own work. I felt better, stronger, and actually healthier when I made time for myself by taking a few time saving steps.

ASK FOR HELP

Your action challenge is to pick 5 energy drains and to schedule time to handle them. It also challenges you to ask for help and get support if you need it. This maybe the hardest part of this challenge. Your small group and the people you’ve met at the monthly meetings are all part of your new support group. Ask for help. You never know what may come of it. All you have to do is ask. All they can say is yes or no, or they might have a better solution for you. I will often have a "pre-party" before I have a social party or event in my home where I invite friends over to help me clean and prepare, making the process much more fun and giving us all some special social time before the big event. Asking for help can be a lot of fun, once we get over our fears of not appearing self sufficient. Give it a try and just ask…


The Life Makeovers year long project has completed in Tel Aviv with Lorelle VanFossen and Ruth Alfi, but you can get involved or start your own group through the author of the book, Life Makeovers, Cheryl Richardson.

Finding Your Life Purpose

Passion comes in many forms. It provides us with keys to our heart. The power of passion will provide you with the fuel to enjoy a new hobby, create a new career, and do something that serves others in a very powerful way. Your purpose in life is what you do to feed that passion.

I believe that many people are living their passion already, but they just don’t realize it. Passion is a powerful force. My favorite definition of passion is focused energy that turns the light on in your soul.

Finding your life’s purpose is similar to finding your life’s passion. While they are similar, they are also a bit different. Before we get into helping you to find your life’s purpose, let’s look at the difference.

The Difference Between Purpose and Passion

In the simplest of terms, passion is your heart’s desire, the thing that makes you get up in the morning and what drives you through your life. It is an action or activity that gives you joy in the process of living or doing it. It doesn’t matter if it is baking bread, climbing mountains, strumming guitar, writing songs, singing, dancing, driving cars really fast, or yodeling. Everyone has an activity that gets them motivated and inspired through the doing.

A purpose is more of a mission statement. It is the true reason you find joy in living your passion. It is the answer to the “because” and the “why” in your passion. You may find joy in baking bread because it feeds people or makes them smile or connects you with your past spent watching your grandmother knead the dough with her gnarled fingers. The because is the feeding of people and the why is the connection with your grandmother. You may love dancing because you love stretching your body to its physical limits or the ability to express emotions through movement or the expressions or sound of applause from people who enjoy the art form you present. The passion is the dancing and the because and why (purpose) is related to challenging the physical you or expressing emotions through movement, or the reward of acknowledgment. The “because” and the “why” justify your purpose in life. There can be many purposes behind your passion, but most people honestly have only one true passion and one purpose, and together the combination gives them the reason to keep on moving through life.

Sounds a little fairy tale, right? To judge the magic that passion and purpose bring to one’s life would be belittling to the power of this spiritual combination. One of the joys of watching the television talk show, Oprah, comes from her new focus on her own purpose to change the world by inspiring people to be better than they think they are; to help others see the potential in who they are and help them take the steps to change their lives, whether it is to look good or release dark fears held in silence due to cultural indifference or resistence. While Oprah Winfrey’s purpose is changing the world through teaching, and her passion is the reward of watching people change.

Over and over, Oprah introduces us to other people who are living their passion and purpose. You can spot them in a minute, can’t you? There is a glow about them, an energy that says “confidence”, “I know who I am”, “I can do anything”, and “I am okay!” I know you want some of that, so let’s look at how this works.

How Do You Know If You
Are Living Your Passion and Purpose?

I honestly believe that we are living our purpose in life even though we aren’t aware of it. Passion and purpose are strange things. They motivate us to do things in powerful ways, moving through our unconscious mind out into the real world. We have to become conscious of our life, lifestyle, and life actions to notice what our passion and purpose are, but they are always there. They are so strong, they peek out from behind our self-imposed restrictive living layers of self to expose itself all the time. We just have to pay attention.

As a young child, Ruth felt she was ugly. Her mother died when she was nine, leaving Ruth to care for eight brothers and sisters, and her father was frustrated with the lack of adultness in this nine year old to run the family. He psychologically punished her in ways that he thought would keep her “in her place” taking care of the family. Ruth now believes that he thought that if she felt she had no value outside the home, she would have to stay and take care of the family. His fear of abandonment was that strong. And Ruth became the parent, moving her family to a kibbutz to help care for the children, Ruth felt unloved, unwanted, and ugly. Her move into the teenage years didn’t help. As in most fairy tales, the ugly duckling grew into a stunning woman often mistaken for Elizabeth Taylor. Yet, inside, Ruth was still the awkward, unwanted duckling. When the children were old enough, she drifted into the cosmetology industry trying to find her own unacknowledged beauty. Yet, her years of care taking brought an overwhelming desire to take care of other people, and what better way to do that than to help others find their own beauty. For more than 30 years, Ruth has been bringing beauty out in people as a top cosmetologist, working in California, Africa, France, England, and finally coming home to Israel.

When I asked her what she thought her passion was, like most of us, she had no idea. As I got to know her better, it was clear exactly what her passion was, but still she didn’t see it. She wore it on her face like moisturizer, unaware that she was living her passion and purpose every day.

One day she called me up all excited. She had been working with a young teenager for many months with terrible acne and skin problems. Unable to deal with the stress of her family life and school, exacerbated by the hormones, the girl had become extremely anorexia. Ruth worked with her to understand that healthy skin came from within not just from without, and that proper diet would make her look more beautiful than any cream she could put on her face. “She told me this morning she had gained weight and was actually proud of it!” she practically yelled into the phone. As she spoke, I could see her standing next to her desk, formal in her white clinic jacket, but dancing around, her eyes sparkling and her hands waving in the air. When she calmed down, I told her that this was her passion. Stunned, she thought about it and proclaimed that indeed it was.

“All my life I thought I was ugly. I felt that nobody loved me. When I work with these girls, I tell them over and over again that I love them and that they are beautiful, using my words and my work, until they begin to believe it themselves. You are right! This is my passion! I have been living my passion my whole life!” While her work is not limited to teenagers, this is indeed where her heart lies, healing the teenager inside of her while she heals the teenagers around her.

Ruth’s passion in life is to make people feel beautiful, inside and out, through skin care. Her purpose is to overcome the ugly duckling inside of herself and stop others from being ugly.

Ruth could have picked numerous jobs such as fashion consultant, makeup artist, clothing designer, seamstress, art director, interior designer, all kinds of jobs which make people feel good by having good surroundings, clothing, and other exterior accouterments. But she chose cosmetology. This is her passion, the activity that gives her pleasure and satisfaction and serves her purpose in life. A purpose in life is like a mission statement, a form of job description, and passion is the motivator.

The Purpose Mission Statement

The definition of a mission statement in business is that it is a clearly defined statement of purpose and goals. In the article on networking, 10 Words or Less, I discuss how to describe what you to for others in the clearest and most concise way. You can use this same process to clarify and explain your purpose statement.

In brief, it must describe what you do, why you do it, and the benefit of doing it. Remember, the why and the benefit are part of your passion statement, but the “what” is the purpose. Give it a try.

Play detective with your life and look around at the things you do, your activities, hobbies, interests, job, and recreation time. Also pay attention to your “wish I was” thoughts. How many times in a day do you think “I wish I was doing…instead of this” or “I wish I was [bigger, thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, richer...]“. If you are spending more time thinking about something else and not thinking about what you are doing, odds are there are some clues there in the thinking.

Remember, you are probably already living your purpose, you just need to fine tune it and recognize the passion that is the driving force in your life’s purpose.

It’s no good running a pig farm
badly for thirty years while saying,
‘Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.’
By that time, pigs will be your style.
Quentin Crisp

The Religion of Right or The Right Religon

Lorelle: Am I right?
Brent: Darling, you’re always right. It’s easier that way.
Frequent dialog between Brent and Lorelle VanFossen

My father used to whine about how horrible all the guys at work would tease for having a daughter. “Argh! Put another woman driver on the road!” He often swears at the lousy drivers on the highway, and what do you know, when we drive by, the odds are extremely high that the idiot who just cut us off is a woman. Yet, the reality of statistics reports that women are the safer and saner of the driving sexes by a HUGE margin. Then why is it that the idiot driver always turns out to be a woman when my dad’s in the car?

It’s because his need to be right about women drivers is strong and he attracts the evidence to support his belief. No matter what the position you take, the universe magically responses to the position within you by providing evidence of your claim. When you hold onto a mental image, a position within your belief structure, or a strong opinion or view, the universe offers constant proof that your belief is the “right” one.

Think about this for a moment. It’s a little frightening. Think about all the beliefs you hold on to, some of which are really silly when you break them down to their smallest parts. Children learn nonsense like “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” They rearrange their footsteps to make sure they don’t step on a crack. Their belief is so strong it directs their steps down the sidewalk. They maintain this belief until they have stepped on enough cracks by accident, and nothing has happened to their mother. The evidence doesn’t support the belief, so they let go of the belief and move on to the next one. Over time, some beliefs are “proven” right and these stick in a person’s psyche.

Prejudice is formed through the power of belief. Learn that blue people are lazy and stupid, and all the blue people you see will be acting lazy and stupid. Doesn’t matter if the majority of blue people are at school or work, learning and playing a vital role within our society, the ones you see are the ones not in school or working and they represent “your majority” and prove yourself right. “Look at all those blue people. Aren’t they lazy!”

These are strong beliefs. The smallest ones are also proven right over and over again. In Israel, wild cats roam all over by the thousands, fed by the caring, ignored or victimized by the evil at heart. Yet, there are few reports of cats attacking people. Still, a good number of my friends honestly believe cats attack for no reason and are terrified of them. When they came to visit, that would be the moment our blind cat, Dahni, would be in a playful mood and want to play “slap”, proving once again that cats attack people.

I used to tell myself that I was clumsy. It didn’t help that I had family members who enjoyed repeating this claim over and over again, reminding me of my years of classical ballet training “and she still trips over her own feet”. So I would stumble a lot, bounce off walls, crack my knees, and bump and bang my way through the house, later discovering little bruises I couldn’t remember happening. It wasn’t a big thought, just an ever-present thought lurking in the background. As I became more aware of the power of my thoughts upon my life and surroundings, I decided to change this self-negative thinking. Now, when I get “clumsy”, I know I am stressed or tired. I’ve grown into an intelligent and graceful woman, but the old tapes came into play when the energy level dropped. Once again, I would become the klutzy girl I had always been, making myself feel even worse. It’s a regression. See how easily these beliefs return when you drop your defense. If I let them continue, they would prove that I am a klutz, and they would be right. It’s a powerful thing and it takes serious work to overcome a strong “right” belief.

This need to be proven right is so strong, I call it the “Religion of Right” or the “Right Religion”. Religion, whatever you may or may not believe in it, works because people keep finding evidence to support whichever belief they have. People create rituals to reinforce their different beliefs, keeping them fresh in their mind. The Religion of Right is no different. Your belief is constantly refreshed in your mind as the universe supplies evidence to support your belief. Like any good religion, if its working for you, you keep believing. The “Religion of Right” and your need to be “right” has some very powerful rituals to remind you of its influence in your life.

Making “Being Right” Work for You

Remember all those “think your way to success” and “believe it and you will become it” mind control games we played in the 1970s through to the early 1990s? They are actually still going on, they just keep changing the program names. These programs taught us ways to change our thinking to motivate ourselves towards success. “Think It – Become It” was the theme. Live as a thin person does and you will lose weight. Think like a rich person and you will become rich. To be loved, become a loving person. These all convinced us that we could control our life through our thoughts. Did it work?

In many ways it did work. People came to understand the power of the mind to convince ourselves we could be something we weren’t. People realized that the mind can play tricks on itself. By slowly changing the perception a little at a time, the brain will shift in a new direction. All you have to do is make the change necessary to instigate the shift. Based on the premise that the universe provides evidence to support your “right” position, you can make this work for you.

Like all good religions, the Religion of Right will work for you, if you know how to work with it. If you understand the basic premise.

If you believe you are right, you are, and the universe will provide evidence to support your belief.

Think about that. If you believe you are right about something, you are. That’s a powerful thought – and belief. It says that I know I am right, and I am right. The only way this will work is if you believe that there is no “right” or “wrong” in the typical definitions of the words. There is no “wrong” here. When you believe you are right about something, you are. Nothing more. You can’t believe you are right and be wrong at the same time. You can be right about a position you hold until you have received enough information to change that position – at which time you will be right again about “that” position. There is no wrong here.

Let’s look at the second part of the premise. If you are right, the universe will provide evidence to support, encourage, and honor your belief. That’s right. The universe will reward your belief. Ah, but only if you believe you are right. That’s the catch. If you don’t believe you are right about a position or belief, the universe will give you plenty of evidence that you are right not to believe. See how this works? The need to be “right” is so powerful, many people have been led astray by the power of the righteousness of their beliefs. You just have to learn how to tap into that power to make changes in your life.

Worshiping at the Altar of Right: How Does It Work?

If you are still with me and accept that if you believe you are right, you are, and the universe will provide evidence to support your belief, we are ready to create the ritual in the Religion of Right that will empower you to change your belief system. We’re not trying to change your life. That will happen automatically. What we want to do is change your belief system so you can tap into your personal brain power and make that shift to create a more powerful life as a side effect.

The Religion of Right is based upon belief. You have to believe you are right. You have to believe it will work. You have to ask the great cosmic energy forces that swirl around us for what you want. You have to be specific in your request. And then you must let it go. Here is an example.

When we were living temporarily in North Carolina, I told my husband that I finally needed a car of my own. We’d been sharing the truck for ages and it was getting tiresome. He asked me what kind I wanted. I used the power of my beliefs with the Religion of Right. Remember, you have to believe it will work, ask, be specific, and let it go.

“I want a Toyota Corolla or Corona, used. It must be white or light colored with light colored fabric seats. I want four doors and a trunk. I need air conditioning, four good tires, an engine in good condition, and preferably a stick shift as I want low gas mileage.” How much do you want to spend? “I would prefer to spend no more than $300, but I’m sure it will cost at least $1000. I will not shop for it. I will not go looking. You will go find it for me and tell me when you’ve made your choice. I hate car shopping. I would rather have dental surgery and pull out all my teeth than to go car shopping. You’re the man, and I rarely ask you to do ‘manly’ things, so now is the time. Buy me a car.”

That was it. And I waited. Nothing happened. Two weeks went by. Nothing. No evidence of searching, no newspapers checked, no visit to the car auction house right next door to the campground. Nothing. I waited and then gently reminded him that I needed a car. And I waited. A month went by. Again, I reminded him. “Stop nagging me!” Time passed. My supervisor finally told me that the new schedule was due to start in a week, so if I was going to get a car in order to teach these new hours, something had better happen soon. When I got home a few hours later, the phone was ringing.

“I found you a car.” Talk to me, husband. “It’s used, a Toyota Corolla, stick shift, four doors, a trunk, and it’s white. Brand new tires, too. Excellent condition, but needs a little engine work.” How much? “Are you sitting down? Only $300.” A friend of his at work had bought a new van and was going to sell his old car to a young relative who backed out at the last minute. To junk it would cost him $300, so he offered it to Brent, saying, “Isn’t it about time Lorelle had her own car?” We picked it up two days later. Took it in for repairs and the total bill plus the three hundred for the car came to just under one thousand dollars. It pays to be very specific.

I could have just said, “I want a car” and left it at that. I could have said I wanted a red car and I would have gotten a used red car with no tires and a broken engine. When you make your request of the cosmic forces in the universe, you have to be very specific or you will get what you ask for, and it won’t be what you really want.

I understand the power of my need to be right, so I have learned how to make it work for me. Other than the basic furniture in the house we are currently renting in Israel, I have “asked the universe” for the rest of the furnishings based upon my strong belief in the power of my ability to be “right”. I needed a stool for standing on in the kitchen and another as a little seat by the door for putting on shoes. With only one flea market and few used items shops in Israel, people put their unwanted items, clothing, books, and furniture out on the sidewalk for any one who wants it. The next day I found a stool on the corner from my house. Within a couple months I had brought home three more stools. If your belief is strong enough, the universe can often over provide. You also have to learn how to ask it to stop.

Not all things I ask the universe for are good things. When negative thoughts rise up, I attract negative things to me, proving over and over again my current state of low self-worth. Once you understand and can appreciate the strength you have within yourself to be right, you learn this is a powerful tool and must be used carefully.

The Process of Getting It Right

The process of “worshiping at the Temple of Right” (excuse me, couldn’t help myself!) is a four step process. You must believe that each step will work, just as you must believe the process will work in its entirety.

Write It Down
Whatever your goal, desire, or belief, whatever your “want”, write it down on a piece of paper. I don’t care if you type it on your computer, PDA, or cell phone, or scratch it on a napkin, write it down.
Be Specific
This is the most important step. You have to be very specific. I’ve found that the universe only hears nouns and adjectives. For over twenty years, growing up with Jewish, Israeli, and Palestinian friends, I always said that I would NEVER go to Israel. I didn’t want to be involved in any of it. Over and over I repeated it. Guess where I’ve been living for the past four years. Israel. When the job offer came to allow us to move here, I remembered saying “I will NEVER go to Israel” and understood again that the word “never” isn’t in the vocabulary of the universe. It only knows nouns and adjectives. Red, purple, big, little, desk, chair, tall, dark, handsome. People often ask me to help them find true love since I used this method to find my true love. I tell them they have to be more specific. What is love? Describe it. Be exact, be specific, and be clear about your desires. I had 28 items on my specific list and I got all 28!
Say It Out Loud
The universe can read, but it does a much better job with the spoken word. Through prayer or just talking, tell the universe what you want. You don’t have to make a show of it. A simple “A small wooden stool” will do, and a “please” won’t hurt, but they usually don’t listen to that either. Pleading doesn’t get very far, or more people who plead would get their heart’s desire. Just say it out loud and let it be done.
Let It Go
While being specific is critical to the success of being right, letting it go makes all the difference in whether or not you succeed. Imagine your “wish” is a kite on a string. The wind carries it up, higher and higher, but it can only go as far as the string permits. You have to cut the string so it will reach the “heavens” and circle up among the higher powers so they can get the message. This means you have to let the thought go and forget about it. Nagging, wishing all the time, thinking about it – all these things hang onto the thought. It must be free to gather its strength to come back to you.

The rest is just patience. Remember, I spent over 20 years whining about never going to Israel before I arrived here. It took months for the car to appear. But the stools, I found the first stool for the kitchen the next day. I had let it go immediately.

Like any religion, give this a try and see if it works for you. So far, it has worked for everyone I know who honestly gave it a go. It has made them feel more powerful and confident about their thoughts, beliefs, and their life. If it works or doesn’t work for you, let me know.